BEST&WORSTof2009
It’s
time once again to close out the year on a blog high, as I’ve done in 2008, 2007, 2006, 2005….you get the idea. It’s my favorite
entry of the year (not that I write much anymore) and I work tirelessly to capture everything relevant
this year in the news & celebuniverse, eats & entertainment, trends & atrocities, my
own life & our collective existence. It’s
my form of closure and it’s the only way I can move on to the next unpredictable year. So here is my take on the Best and Worst of the year. Feel free to disagree…I just don’t need to hear about it.
Best Sexiest Man Alive
BRADLEY COOPER. He was always a looker, but “The Hangover” totally elevated his hotness. We’re all about Bradley. We’re just that into him.
Worst Sexiest Man Alive
JOHNNY DEPP, People
Magazine’s
actual pick for Sexiest Man Alive (awful cover pic, btw). Dear People Mag: 2009 called and said it’s not 2003 anymore.
Best Shenanigans
TIGER WOOD’S AFFAIRS. Skanks crawled out of
the woodw(h)or(es)k with each passing day. No one saw this one coming. NO ONE.
Worst Shenanigans
BALLOON BOY HOAX.
(Dishonorable mention: WHITE HOUSE PARTY CRASHERS, the Salahis).
Best Stolen Thunder
KANYE
SHITS ON TAYLOR SWIFT’S MTV VMA MOMENT. This inshitdent was pure
unmitigated douchebag material that lit our gossippy drama-loving existence
on fi-ah. It was assholery at its most heinous and deplorable. Let’s
face it, it was a gift
from heaven. Oh relax, no one died. On the other hand….
Worst Stolen Thunder
FARRAH
FAWCETT’S DEATH, overshadowed by Michael Jackson’s later that same June day. June 25th….the day the 80′s died. So sad.
Best City Celebration (tie)
LAS VEGAS: “The Hangover” and Katy Perry’s “Waking Up In Vegas” both brought to entertaining life that overused and underscored mantra of What-happens-in-Vegas…
NEW YORK: Jay-Z & Alicia Keys’ “Empire State of Mind” reinvented the NewYork-NewYork anthem and had us cheering “concrete jungle where dreams are made of…” Timed perfectly with the Yankees’ win, this song turned all other cities green with envy.
Worst City Celebration
CHICAGO, losing the bid for the Summer Olympics to Rio. Don’t worry Chicago….NY felt that pain a few years ago. The Olympics are just not that into the US.
Best Return to TV
HEATHER LOCKLEAR BACK TO MELROSE. Her face was all plasticky, but Amanda was still refreshingly blond, busty, and bitchy.
Worst Return to TV
PROJECT RUNWAY. Could I have cared less about this? One day you’re on Bravo, next day you’re out.
Best Fight
ATLANTA HOUSEWIFE SHEREE’S FIGHT with the party planner. WATCH IT HERE.
Worst Fight
KRISTIN
CAVALLARI and AUDRINA on “The Hills”. “Fighting” with Audrina over
JustinBobby is like yelling at a baby….she just blinks blankly back
at you and drools. Kristin deserved a more worthy foe, like Erin on
“The City”. It’s on, bitch.
(Runner-up: CHRIS BROWN & RIHANNA)
Best Marriage of Song & Show
“V” USING MUSE’S “Uprising” in commercials.
Worst Marriage of Tool & Fool
SPENCER & HEIDI get married on “The Hills”.
Best Celebehavior
CELEB FEUDS. So trivial. So childish. So what? Love it when they turn on each other!
FAYE
DUNAWAY vs HILLARY DUFF. The bitter hag dissed Duff for being a bad
actress, when asked what she thought about Duff wanting to play
Dunaway’s “Bonnie & Clyde” character. Duff’s response: “I would
be bitter too if I looked like that.” Snap!
MARIAH vs EMINEM.
Em boasts about having dated MC, wanting to stealing her back from Nick Cannon,
and called her a whore in a recent song. MC said “H.A.T.E.U. too, get
up out my face” and hit him with a bus in her “Obsessed” video.
CLAY AIKEN vs ADAM LAMBERT. Clay blogged that Adam’s Idol performances were awful. Adam basically replied “Clay who?”
AL
ROKER vs HEIDI & SPENCER. Al referred to Speidi as despicable
media-whores and wastes of human skin cells (sort of). Speidi blasted
off countless fat jokes. kaka.
NENE vs LINDSAY LOHAN’S
DADDY. The Atlanta housewife has it out for Michael Lohan, who
inexplicably appeared on the show as a friend of Kim’s. Nene chased
him and Kim down the street yelling “Go back to Malibu, Lindsay Lohan
daddy.” Then the two appeared on “The Insider” and the war continued.
Don’t mess with a black chick….she’ll always win.
Worst Celebehavior
CELEBS HOCKING THEIR BOOKS with “shocking” revelations. Mackenzie Phillips (she had sex with her dad), Andre Agassi (his long hair back in the day was a wig, he enjoyed crystal meth), Sarah Palin (she can write),
Carrie Prejean (she can read). And they were all too eager to get on
every talkshow to talk about it. I was more than eager to not care.
Best Gibberish
Ra ra ah ah ah roma roma ma ga ga oh la la (…want your bad romance).
Worst Gibberish
Everything that came out of the mouths of Carrie Prejean, Joe Jackson, Sarah Palin, Jon Gosselin, and Lindsay Lohan’s dadday. No one wants to hear it, mmkay.
Best New Shows
5).
FLASHFORWARD. Can’t wait for April 29th, and more Joesph Fiennes.
4). MODERN FAMILY & COUGARTOWN. The best hour of comedy on tv.
3). GLEE. A show that elicits squeals and zeal.
2).
MELROSE PLACE. Ella & Amanda — which bitch will slap the other first?
1). VAMPIRE DIARIES. Not just another vampire show….addictive, intriguing, and mega hotties. Marathon’ing the first 10 episodes was sheer bliss.
Worst New Show
JAY LENO at 10pm, Mon-Fri. Not necessary. At all.
Best Premature Mourning
Mourning
the upcoming final 2010 season of LOST immediately following the show’s
transcendent May ’09 finale. My heart has already begun to ache.
Worst Premature Mourning
Mourning Oprah ending her talkshow….3 YEARS FROM NOW.
Best New TV Character
SUE SYLVESTER
(Runner up: ANNA on V).
Worst New TV Character
TEDDY, the 30-something-looking teenager on 90210. Sure, he’s pretty and all, in a wax-figure way, but he’s extremely dull on an already extremely dull show. HATE 90210.
Best Cupcake
SUGAR SWEET SUNSHINE. Their Pistachio and Vanilla cuppies are just heavenly.
Worst Cupcake (Crime)
MY STOLEN CUPCAKES at the Bronx Zoo. It was my nephew Tyler’s 1st birthday, and I was meeting him at the Bronx Zoo. I picked up 2 Magnolia cupcakes and met everyone in da Bronx. Inside the zoo, I stopped into the restroom, which was empty. I put my cupcake bag down on a small table by the sinks, and went to the urinals in the back. I came back within seconds to the sinks and my cupcakes were gone. STOLEN. Fucking cupcake-stealing lowlife.
Best Ridiculous Body
MEN WHO PLAY WOLVES (and RYAN REYNOLDS)
Worst Ridiculous (No)Body
JON G(R)OSSELIN. yuck.
Best Line
SHEREE to Party Planner: “Who gonna check me, boo?”
Worst Line
KANYE to Taylor: “Yo Taylor, I’m real happy for you and Imma let you finish, but…”
Best Overdone Subject Matter
VAMPIRES. True Blood. Vampire Diaires. Twilight New Moon.
Worst Overdone Subject Matter
DOCTORS/NURSES/HOSPITALS.
ER finally died, but then came Mercy, Trauma, Three Rivers, Nurse
Jackie, HawthoRNe. Not interested, thanks.
Best New Vocab
NERDVANA. “Star Trek 2009 was so fantastic, sci-fi geeks achieved nerdvana.”
GLEEK. “I can’t get enough of Glee. I’m such a Gleek. Sue Sylvester would so dump a Big Gulp on my head.”
Worst New Vocab
ROGUE. BAILOUT. TWEETS. SWINE FLU.
Best Comeback
KIM
CLIJSTERS to tennis, winning the US OPEN. This year’s US Open was one
of the craziest (Serena almost cut a bitch), and Kim’s win was just
perfectly unexpected.
Worst Comeback
WHITNEY HOUSTON’S comeback is whack. Would I have loved another “I Will Always Love You?” Hell
yeah. Did we get anything close? Hell-to-the-No.
Best Vocal Manipulation
AUTO-TUNE. The digitally synthesized vocalization technique that was revolutionized, more or less, by Cher‘s “Believe” was used brilliantly in 2009 on Mariah’s “Obsessed” and Jason DeRulo’s “Whatcha Say”.
(Dishonorable Exclusion: Real Housewife of Atlanta Kim’s “Tardy for the Party”. The entire “song” is auto-tuned, it’s tardy for the garbage).
Worst Vocal Manipulation
PEOPLE WHO CAN’T SING MAKING MUSIC (and ears bleed). Kim “Tardy for the Party” Zolciak, Heidi Montag-Pratt, Scarlett Johannson. Please just stop.
(Honorable Exclusion: Leighton Meester doing Cobra Starship’s “Good Girls Go Bad”. Blair Waldorf can do no wrong in my book).
Best Performance by New Jersey
REAL
HOUSEWIVES OF NJ FINALE. Let’s refresh: Scandalous outcast Danielle whips out
“the
book” at dinner, Dina gets defensive, Caroline gets mafia on Danielle’s pot-stirring ass, Jacqueline turns on her sisters-in-law,
Theresa
is confused, Danielle snaps at her to “pay attention, pull-eaze!”, Theresa goes skank-ass crazy and FLIPS THE TABLE on the “stupid bitch prostitution WHORE!!!” [And...scene].
Worst Performance by New Jersey
JERSEY
SHORE.
Snooki. Jwoww. The Situation. You don’t fall in love at the Jersey
Shore, but you can fall in love with how (awesomely) atrocious it is.
Best Sci-Fi Trend
SPACESHIPS HOVERING OVER CITIES. Ominious and imposing, as in “V” and “District 9″.
Worst Sci-Fi Trend
CONFUSING TIME TRAVEL. It happened all season on LOST, and I had to be at my soberest while watching the show to understand everything (I still don’t), and it happened (unnecessarily) in the “Star Trek” movie with new Spock and old Spock.
Best Reason to Have a Blackberry
BBM. BLACKBERRY MESSENGER is heaven-sent for keeping in daily touch with your closest friends.
Worst Reason to Have a Blackberry
Everyone else is on iphone.
Best Movie
THE HANGOVER (Though I haven’t yet seen “Up in the Air” or “Precious”)
(Runner-up: AVATAR)
Worst Movie
2012 and PUBLIC ENEMIES.
Best Songs
10). Everything by the GLEE cast.
9). KERI HILSON “Knock You Down”
8). MUSE “Uprising”
7). JAY-Z & ALICIA KEYS “Empire State of Mind”
6). GREEN DAY “21 Guns”
5). KELLY CLARKSON “My Life Would Suck Without You”
4). JAY SEAN “Down”
3). MARIAH “Obsessed” & “I Want To Know What Love Is”
2). LEONA LEWIS “Happy”
1). Everything by LADY GAGA. “Poker Face”, “Love Game”, “Paparazzi”, “Bad Romance”. OMGaga….does this woman ever rest?? More looks than Madonna. More longevity than Samantha Fox. More spunk than Christina Aguilera. More balls than Adam Lambert. More addictive music this year than anyone else. (BEST VIDEO: “Bad Romance”)
Worst Song
BLACK EYED PEAS “Boom Boom Pow”
Best on TV
So
much good TV, so little time. Yet I make time for it all. “24″
started off excitingly, but turned repetitive and
ludicrous. Second seasons of “True Blood” and “Damages” were not
nearly as revolutionary as their firsts. “Heroes” is a complete zero.
“Desperate Housewives” and “Gossip Girls” had their moments, but
nothing leading up to anything memorable. I’ve already covered the new
shows I loved, so here’s the best of the rest:
5). Everything
on the FOOD NETWORK. Barefoot Contessa, Paula Deen, Throwdown, Iron
Chef, Giada, Unwrapped, Ace of Cakes. I watch it all. I love it all.
I cook it all. I eat it all.
4). MAD MEN. Most episodes are
boring, depressing, and not much happens. But the Kennedy
assassination kicked off a few of the show’s best episodes, leading up
to the finale that turned the mad mad world upside down. Sterling
Cooper is no more. Don & Betty Draper are no more. And Joan
Holloway’s curvaceous hips are back.
3). REAL HOUSEWIVES OF _______ (except the OC). RH of NY, NJ, and ATL were my bitchy lifeblood all year long.
2).
SURVIVOR. I’ve gotten used to relishing this show in solitude, season
after season, so I won’t bother explaining why I love it.
1).
LOST. The penultimate season was utterly transcendent, episode by
episode up till the heart-stopping finale that (hopefully) reset the
whole time-space continuum. From Sawyer’s character arc completion
from asshole to hero, to Kate’s bye-bye-baby scene, to Juliet’s love
quadrangle and hydrogen-bombing fate….this is a show that is setting itself up for a fantastic finish.
Worst on TV
THE
FASHION SHOW and LAUNCH MY LINE, Bravo’s two desperate attempts to
create a new Project Runway-style show. Dear Bravo: Nobody wants
this…just get Project Runway back and we’ll talk fashion.
Best Thing to Happen to Gays
OUT & PROUD ARTISTS CONTINUED TO DO THEIR THING. Adam Lambert injected some needed in-yo-face gaiety into Idol (and the country), Neil Patrick Harris owned the Emmys, Ellen snagged Idol, the gay couple on “Modern Family” kakakillz, and the mere existence of Lady
Gaga and GLEE. Now, how do we get all the individuals above to appear
in a “Glee” episode together?
Worst Thing to Happen to Gays
THE FIGHT FOR MARRIAGE. Lots of setbacks this year. Prop 8 reverses CA’s right to marriage. Vermont
reverses its right to marriage. NY Senate votes down same sex
marriage. NJ elects a homophobe new governor. We only want marriage because it won’t be given to us. Once we get it, you won’t hear much about it, so there’s nothing to worry about. Got it, returds?
Best Enduring Internet Addiction
FACEBOOK. I can’t quit you, like I’ve quit Friendster and MySpace after a matter of time.
Worst Enduring Internet Addiction
TWITTER. Tweeting. Tweets. Twits. Twatting. I quit this no problem.
Best Meal
MY
MEALS. Thanks mostly to my voracious nature,
the Barefoot Contessa, and plenty of free time, I became a whiz in the kitchen more than ever
this year. Consider yourself lucky to have been cooked for. The rest of you, lick your screens:
Worst Meal
The
ones that leave you with regret when the credit card bill comes. I am
so out of touch with the world of fine dining. I may never get to eat
at Nobu or anything having to do with Jean-Georges, but I’m okay with
that.
Best of America
MICHELLE OBAMA. I think we can agree that our first lady is the
closest thing to Jackie O that we’ve had. It could be that, unlike
other previous first ladies, she’s under 80 yrs old. It could also be
that she’s a modern-day all-encompassing icon of class, style, beauty,
grace, self-assurance, strength and relevance. She thrills me.
Worst of America
PEOPLEOFWALMART.COM. I dare you to breeze thru the pages and pages of actual Walmart-Americans….and not throw up.
Best New Friend
Every year, a new friend enters my life in such a natural serendipitous way and makes their way to winning my award for best NEW friend of the year. This year it’s RYAN. We drink, we dance, we party, we play tennis, we talk tv, we talk hotties, we pig out. Our whole group of friends adore him. And most importantly, he’ll get everything I talked about in this blog.
Worst Old Friends
I personally haven’t dissolved any friendships this year (It was a slow year for me). But I know friends who’ve had to deal with former good friends who’ve spiraled downward into a pit of jealousy, bitterness, and whatever else. It’s ok…not all friendships are fated to last. Just be wise about which friendships are worth fighting for, and which are just sinking (friend)ships.
Worst Burst of Reality
LIFE ISN’T FAIR. This is not news to anyone, but it’s hard to keep that in mind when you’re too busy envying others and pitying yourself, often at the same time. I’ve always believed that we’re all fated to have what we have in life — whether it’s smarts, looks, charm, magnetism, talent, ambition, money, family, health, wealth, love, friends, metabolism. Seeing how others go about their lives (via Facebook, etc) doesn’t make any of this any easier to swallow, but the key to personal happiness is to tap into what you have, what is within your control, and what little things you can do to level the playing field a bit at a time. Having said that….
Best Burst of Reality
My mantra for this past year, to myself and to anyone who would listen has been: YOU DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO. In a year of continued socio-economic decline and set-in realities (ie. Obama is not our savior; he’s just our elected President. Swine flu is for realz; wash your hands. Tiger is not god; he’s a horny man), it was more important than ever to take control of what you can in your own life. So if it meant quitting that job you hate, or ending that relationship, or withdrawing from a social life, or coming out to your family, or putting yourself on a budget, or moving across the country, or having that baby, or expelling that awful friend, or filing for divorce from Jon Gosselin, or landing that plane safely in the Hudson River, or extricating yourself from any situation that just wasn’t working anymore….girrrrrrl, you did what you needed to do. And keep doing it. You just go on and keep doing what you need to do. The world will understand.
WELL, THAT’S MY TAKE ON 2009, and I’m sticking to it. Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed, and HAPPY NEW YEAR, Y’ALL!!
