BEST&WORSTof2009

It’s
time once again to close out the year on a blog high, as I’ve done in 2008, 2007, 2006, 2005….you get the idea.   It’s my favorite
entry of the year (not that I write much anymore) and I work tirelessly to capture everything relevant
this year in the news & celebuniverse, eats & entertainment, trends & atrocities, my
own life & our collective existence.  It’s
my form of closure and it’s the only way I can move on to the next unpredictable year.  So here is my take on the Best and Worst of the year.  Feel free to disagree…I just don’t need to hear about it. 

Best Sexiest Man Alive


BRADLEY COOPER.  He was always a looker, but “The Hangover” totally elevated his hotness.  We’re all about Bradley.  We’re just that into him.   

Worst Sexiest Man Alive


JOHNNY DEPP, People
Magazine’s
actual pick for Sexiest Man Alive (awful cover pic, btw).  Dear People Mag: 2009 called and said it’s not 2003 anymore.


Best Shenanigans
TIGER WOOD’S AFFAIRS.  Skanks crawled out of
the woodw(h)or(es)k with each passing day.  No one saw this one coming.  NO ONE. 


Worst Shenanigans
BALLOON BOY HOAX.
(Dishonorable mention: WHITE HOUSE PARTY CRASHERS, the Salahis).


Best Stolen Thunder

KANYE
SHITS ON TAYLOR SWIFT’S MTV VMA MOMENT.  This inshitdent was pure
unmitigated douchebag material that lit our gossippy drama-loving existence
on fi-ah.  It was assholery at its most heinous and deplorable.  Let’s
face it, it was a gift
from heaven.  Oh relax, no one died.  On the other hand….

Worst Stolen Thunder

FARRAH
FAWCETT’S DEATH, overshadowed by Michael Jackson’s later that same June day.  June 25th….the day the 80′s died.  So sad. 


Best City Celebration (tie) 

LAS VEGAS:  “The Hangover” and Katy Perry’s “Waking Up In Vegas” both brought to entertaining life that overused and underscored mantra of What-happens-in-Vegas…

NEW YORK:  Jay-Z & Alicia Keys’ “Empire State of Mind” reinvented the NewYork-NewYork anthem and had us cheering “concrete jungle where dreams are made of…”  Timed perfectly with the Yankees’ win, this song turned all other cities green with envy.

Worst City Celebration
CHICAGO, losing the bid for the Summer Olympics to Rio.  Don’t worry Chicago….NY felt that pain a few years ago.  The Olympics are just not that into the US. 

Best Return to TV

HEATHER LOCKLEAR BACK TO MELROSE.  Her face was all plasticky, but Amanda was still refreshingly blond, busty, and bitchy. 


Worst Return to TV
PROJECT RUNWAY.  Could I have cared less about this?  One day you’re on Bravo, next day you’re out.


Best Fight
ATLANTA HOUSEWIFE SHEREE’S FIGHT with the party planner.  WATCH IT HERE. 

Worst Fight

KRISTIN
CAVALLARI and AUDRINA on “The Hills”.  “Fighting” with Audrina over
JustinBobby is like yelling at a baby….she just blinks blankly back
at you and drools.  Kristin deserved a more worthy foe, like Erin on
“The City”.  It’s on, bitch.

(Runner-up:  CHRIS BROWN & RIHANNA)


Best Marriage of Song & Show
“V” USING MUSE’S “Uprising” in commercials.

Worst Marriage of Tool & Fool
SPENCER & HEIDI get married on “The Hills”.

Best Celebehavior
CELEB FEUDS.  So trivial. So childish. So what?  Love it when they turn on each other!

FAYE
DUNAWAY vs HILLARY DUFF.  The bitter hag dissed Duff for being a bad
actress, when asked what she thought about Duff wanting to play
Dunaway’s “Bonnie & Clyde” character.  Duff’s response:  “I would
be bitter too if I looked like that.”  Snap!

MARIAH vs EMINEM. 
Em boasts about having dated MC, wanting to stealing her back from Nick Cannon,
and called her a whore in a recent song.  MC said “H.A.T.E.U. too, get
up out my face” and hit him with a bus in her “Obsessed” video.

CLAY AIKEN vs ADAM LAMBERT.  Clay blogged that Adam’s Idol performances were awful. Adam basically replied “Clay who?”

AL
ROKER vs HEIDI & SPENCER.  Al referred to Speidi as despicable
media-whores and wastes of human skin cells (sort of).  Speidi blasted
off countless fat jokes.  kaka. 

NENE vs LINDSAY LOHAN’S
DADDY.  The Atlanta housewife has it out for Michael Lohan, who
inexplicably appeared on the show as a friend of Kim’s.  Nene chased
him and Kim down the street yelling “Go back to Malibu, Lindsay Lohan
daddy.”  Then the two appeared on “The Insider” and the war continued. 
Don’t mess with a black chick….she’ll always win. 


Worst Celebehavior
CELEBS HOCKING THEIR BOOKS with “shocking” revelations.  Mackenzie Phillips (she had sex with her dad), Andre Agassi (his long hair back in the day was a wig, he enjoyed crystal meth), Sarah Palin (she can write),
Carrie Prejean (she can read).  And they were all too eager to get on
every talkshow to talk about it.   I was more than eager to not care.


Best Gibberish
Ra ra ah ah ah roma roma ma ga ga oh la la (…want your bad romance). 

Worst Gibberish
Everything that came out of the mouths of Carrie Prejean, Joe Jackson, Sarah Palin, Jon Gosselin, and Lindsay Lohan’s dadday.  No one wants to hear it, mmkay.  


Best New Shows
5).
FLASHFORWARD.  Can’t wait for April 29th, and more Joesph Fiennes.

4). MODERN FAMILY & COUGARTOWN.  The best hour of comedy on tv.  

3). GLEE.  A show that elicits squeals and zeal.  

2).
MELROSE PLACE.  Ella & Amanda — which bitch will slap the other first?


1). VAMPIRE DIARIES.  Not just another vampire show….addictive, intriguing, and mega hotties.  Marathon’ing the first 10 episodes was sheer bliss.


Worst New Show

JAY LENO at 10pm, Mon-Fri.  Not necessary.  At all.


Best Premature Mourning
Mourning
the upcoming final 2010 season of LOST immediately following the show’s
transcendent May ’09 finale.  My heart has already begun to ache.

Worst Premature Mourning
Mourning Oprah ending her talkshow….3 YEARS FROM NOW.


Best New TV Character

SUE SYLVESTER

(Runner up:  ANNA on V). 

Worst New TV Character

TEDDY, the 30-something-looking teenager on 90210.  Sure, he’s pretty and all, in a wax-figure way, but he’s extremely dull on an already extremely dull show.  HATE 90210. 


Best Cupcake

SUGAR SWEET SUNSHINE.  Their Pistachio and Vanilla cuppies are just heavenly.  

Worst Cupcake (Crime)
MY STOLEN CUPCAKES at the Bronx Zoo.  It was my nephew Tyler’s 1st birthday, and I was meeting him at the Bronx Zoo.  I picked up 2 Magnolia cupcakes and met everyone in da Bronx.  Inside the zoo, I stopped into the restroom, which was empty.  I put my cupcake bag down on a small table by the sinks, and went to the urinals in the back.  I came back within seconds to the sinks and my cupcakes were gone.  STOLEN.  Fucking cupcake-stealing lowlife.     

Best Ridiculous Body
 
MEN WHO PLAY WOLVES (and RYAN REYNOLDS)


Worst Ridiculous (No)Body

JON G(R)OSSELIN.  yuck.

Best Line

SHEREE to Party Planner:  “Who gonna check me, boo?”

Worst Line

KANYE to Taylor:  “Yo Taylor, I’m real happy for you and Imma let you finish, but…”

Best Overdone Subject Matter
VAMPIRES.  True Blood. Vampire Diaires. Twilight New Moon. 


Worst Overdone Subject Matter
DOCTORS/NURSES/HOSPITALS. 
ER finally died, but then came Mercy, Trauma, Three Rivers, Nurse
Jackie, HawthoRNe.  Not interested, thanks.


Best New Vocab
NERDVANA.  “Star Trek 2009 was so fantastic, sci-fi geeks achieved nerdvana.”
GLEEK.  “I can’t get enough of Glee.  I’m such a Gleek.  Sue Sylvester would so dump a Big Gulp on my head.”


Worst New Vocab
ROGUE.  BAILOUT.  TWEETS.  SWINE FLU.

 
Best Comeback

KIM
CLIJSTERS to tennis, winning the US OPEN.  This year’s US Open was one
of the craziest (Serena almost cut a bitch), and Kim’s win was just
perfectly unexpected.


Worst Comeback
WHITNEY HOUSTON’S comeback is whack.  Would I have loved another “I Will Always Love You?”  Hell
yeah.  Did we get anything close?  Hell-to-the-No. 
 

Best Vocal Manipulation
AUTO-TUNE.  The digitally synthesized vocalization technique that was revolutionized, more or less, by Cher‘s “Believe” was used brilliantly in 2009 on Mariah’s “Obsessed” and Jason DeRulo’s “Whatcha Say”.  
 
(Dishonorable Exclusion:  Real Housewife of Atlanta Kim’s “Tardy for the Party”.  The entire “song” is auto-tuned, it’s tardy for the garbage). 


Worst Vocal Manipulation
PEOPLE WHO CAN’T SING MAKING MUSIC (and ears bleed).  Kim “Tardy for the Party” Zolciak, Heidi Montag-Pratt, Scarlett Johannson.  Please just stop.   

(Honorable Exclusion:  Leighton Meester doing Cobra Starship’s “Good Girls Go Bad”.  Blair Waldorf can do no wrong in my book).


Best Performance by New Jersey

REAL
HOUSEWIVES OF NJ FINALE.  Let’s refresh: Scandalous outcast Danielle whips out
“the
book” at dinner, Dina gets defensive, Caroline gets mafia on Danielle’s pot-stirring ass, Jacqueline turns on her sisters-in-law,
Theresa
is confused, Danielle snaps at her to “pay attention, pull-eaze!”, Theresa goes skank-ass crazy and FLIPS THE TABLE on the “stupid bitch prostitution WHORE!!!”  [And...scene]. 


Worst Performance by New Jersey

JERSEY
SHORE. 
Snooki.  Jwoww.  The Situation.  You don’t fall in love at the Jersey
Shore, but you can fall in love with how (awesomely) atrocious it is.


Best Sci-Fi Trend
SPACESHIPS HOVERING OVER CITIES.  Ominious and imposing, as in “V” and “District 9″.


Worst Sci-Fi Trend
CONFUSING TIME TRAVEL.  It happened all season on LOST, and I had to be at my soberest while watching the show to understand everything (I still don’t), and it happened (unnecessarily) in the “Star Trek” movie with new Spock and old Spock. 


Best Reason to Have a Blackberry
BBM.  BLACKBERRY MESSENGER is heaven-sent for keeping in daily touch with your closest friends.


Worst Reason to Have a Blackberry
Everyone else is on iphone.


Best Movie
THE HANGOVER  (Though I haven’t yet seen “Up in the Air” or “Precious”)


(Runner-up: AVATAR)


Worst Movie
2012 and PUBLIC ENEMIES. 


Best Songs
10).  Everything by the GLEE cast. 

9).  KERI HILSON “Knock You Down”

8).  MUSE “Uprising”

7).  JAY-Z & ALICIA KEYS “Empire State of Mind”

6).  GREEN DAY “21 Guns”

5).  KELLY CLARKSON “My Life Would Suck Without You”

4).  JAY SEAN “Down”

3).  MARIAH “Obsessed” & “I Want To Know What Love Is”

2).  LEONA LEWIS “Happy”

 
1).  Everything by LADY GAGA.  “Poker Face”, “Love Game”, “Paparazzi”, “Bad Romance”.  OMGaga….does this woman ever rest??  More looks than Madonna.  More longevity than Samantha Fox.  More spunk than Christina Aguilera.  More balls than Adam Lambert.  More addictive music this year than anyone else.   (BEST VIDEO:  “Bad Romance”) 


Worst Song
BLACK EYED PEAS “Boom Boom Pow”  


Best on TV
So
much good TV, so little time.  Yet I make time for it all.  “24″
started off excitingly, but turned repetitive and
ludicrous.  Second seasons of “True Blood” and “Damages” were not
nearly as revolutionary as their firsts.  “Heroes” is a complete zero.
“Desperate Housewives” and “Gossip Girls” had their moments, but
nothing leading up to anything memorable.  I’ve already covered the new
shows I loved, so here’s the best of the rest:

5).  Everything
on the FOOD NETWORK.  Barefoot Contessa, Paula Deen, Throwdown, Iron
Chef, Giada, Unwrapped, Ace of Cakes.  I watch it all.  I love it all. 
I cook it all.  I eat it all.

4).  MAD MEN.  Most episodes are
boring, depressing, and not much happens.  But the Kennedy
assassination kicked off a few of the show’s best episodes, leading up
to the finale that turned the mad mad world upside down.  Sterling
Cooper is no more.  Don & Betty Draper are no more.  And Joan
Holloway’s curvaceous hips are back.

3).  REAL HOUSEWIVES OF _______ (except the OC).  RH of NY, NJ, and ATL were my bitchy lifeblood all year long. 

2). 
SURVIVOR.  I’ve gotten used to relishing this show in solitude, season
after season, so I won’t bother explaining why I love it. 

1). 
LOST.  The penultimate season was utterly transcendent, episode by
episode up till the heart-stopping finale that (hopefully) reset the
whole time-space continuum.  From Sawyer’s character arc completion
from asshole to hero, to Kate’s bye-bye-baby scene, to Juliet’s love
quadrangle and hydrogen-bombing fate….this is a show that is setting itself up for a fantastic finish.

Worst on TV
THE
FASHION SHOW and LAUNCH MY LINE, Bravo’s two desperate attempts to
create a new Project Runway-style show.  Dear Bravo: Nobody wants
this…just get Project Runway back and we’ll talk fashion.

Best Thing to Happen to Gays
OUT & PROUD ARTISTS CONTINUED TO DO THEIR THING.  Adam Lambert injected some needed in-yo-face gaiety into Idol (and the country), Neil Patrick Harris owned the Emmys, Ellen snagged Idol, the gay couple on “Modern Family” kakakillz, and the mere existence of Lady
Gaga and GLEE.  Now, how do we get all the individuals above to appear
in a “Glee” episode together?


Worst Thing to Happen to Gays
THE FIGHT FOR MARRIAGE.  Lots of setbacks this year.  Prop 8 reverses CA’s right to marriage.  Vermont
reverses its right to marriage.  NY Senate votes down same sex
marriage.  NJ elects a homophobe new governor.  We only want marriage because it won’t be given to us.  Once we get it, you won’t hear much about it, so there’s nothing to worry about.  Got it, returds?


Best Enduring Internet Addiction
FACEBOOK.  I can’t quit you, like I’ve quit Friendster and MySpace after a matter of time. 


Worst Enduring Internet Addiction
TWITTER.  Tweeting.  Tweets.  Twits.  Twatting.  I quit this no problem. 


Best Meal
MY
MEALS.  Thanks mostly to my voracious nature,
the Barefoot Contessa, and plenty of free time, I became a whiz in the kitchen more than ever
this year.  Consider yourself lucky to have been cooked for.  The rest of you, lick your screens:

Worst Meal
The
ones that leave you with regret when the credit card bill comes.  I am
so out of touch with the world of fine dining.  I may never get to eat
at Nobu or anything having to do with Jean-Georges, but I’m okay with
that. 

Best of America

 
MICHELLE OBAMA.  I think we can agree that our first lady is the
closest thing to Jackie O that we’ve had.  It could be that, unlike
other previous first ladies, she’s under 80 yrs old.  It could also be
that she’s a modern-day all-encompassing icon of class, style, beauty,
grace, self-assurance, strength and relevance.  She thrills me.

Worst of America

PEOPLEOFWALMART.COM.  I dare you to breeze thru the pages and pages of actual Walmart-Americans….and not throw up. 

Best New Friend
Every year, a new friend enters my life in such a natural serendipitous way and makes their way to winning my award for best NEW friend of the year.  This year it’s RYAN.  We drink, we dance, we party, we play tennis, we talk tv, we talk hotties, we pig out.  Our whole group of friends adore him.  And most importantly, he’ll get everything I talked about in this blog.

Worst Old Friends
I personally haven’t dissolved any friendships this year (It was a slow year for me).  But I know friends who’ve had to deal with former good friends who’ve spiraled downward into a pit of jealousy, bitterness, and whatever else.  It’s ok…not all friendships are fated to last.  Just be wise about which friendships are worth fighting for, and which are just sinking (friend)ships.  


Worst Burst of Reality
LIFE ISN’T FAIR.  This is not news to anyone, but it’s hard to keep that in mind when you’re too busy envying others and pitying yourself, often at the same time.  I’ve always believed that we’re all fated to have what we have in life — whether it’s smarts, looks, charm, magnetism, talent, ambition, money, family, health, wealth, love, friends, metabolism.  Seeing how others go about their lives (via Facebook, etc) doesn’t make any of this any easier to swallow, but the key to personal happiness is to tap into what you have, what is within your control, and what little things you can do to level the playing field a bit at a time.  Having said that….

Best Burst of Reality
My mantra for this past year, to myself and to anyone who would listen has been:  YOU DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO.  In a year of continued socio-economic decline and set-in realities (ie. Obama is not our savior; he’s just our elected President. Swine flu is for realz; wash your hands. Tiger is not god; he’s a horny man), it was more important than ever to take control of what you can in your own life.  So if it meant quitting that job you hate, or ending that relationship, or withdrawing from a social life, or coming out to your family, or putting yourself on a budget, or moving across the country, or having that baby, or expelling that awful friend, or filing for divorce from Jon Gosselin, or landing that plane safely in the Hudson River, or extricating yourself from any situation that just wasn’t working anymore….girrrrrrl, you did what you needed to do.  And keep doing it.  You just go on and keep doing what you need to do.  The world will understand. 

WELL, THAT’S MY TAKE ON 2009, and I’m sticking to it.  Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed, and HAPPY NEW YEAR, Y’ALL!!

THE AWESOMENESS LIST
It’s been a while, folks.  Some of you are still with me.  I have no idea why, but it’s appreciated.  I changed my monthly 10-Things list to the more casual “The Awesomeness List”, in the hopes that I’ll do more lists more often to feed the blog-starved.  And if I don’t…oh well.  I’ll be on Facebook is anyone needs me.

5).  RUNPEE.COM
Transformers 2:  2 hrs 23 mins.  Harry Potter:  2 hrs 33 mins.  Benjamin Button:  toofuckinglong.  Public Enemies: I want those hours of my life back! 
Long ass movies + the Dunkin Donuts coffee I sneak in = I gotta pee! 
Now RunPee.com tells you the best time to go pee during recent movies
so that the next time you ask “What did I miss?”, the answer will
literally be “not much.”  Having to explain Shia LeBoeuf’s mom getting high on pot brownies in Transf2 is just not worth my breath. 

4).  KATHY GRIFFIN “MY LIFE ON THE D-LIST”
Summer just wouldn’t be summer without America’s favorite fiery redhead.  K.Griffin’s best D-list moment so far has been getting boo’ed off the Apollo
stage for doing the “Octomom’s-lips-look-like-a-pussy” joke. The
audience died in stunned silence, the band played her off, Kathy
ran off the stage and got chewed out by the Apollo manager saying “You
disrespected the house!”  She fled Harlem in shame.  My heart stopped for her.  But my heart also
went out to her.  Haven’t we all been boo’ed off the stage (of life)
before?  It happens.  Sometimes we get over-brazen and do that pussy-lips joke, or
that bitchy xanga entry, and the wrong audience shits all over it.  We
get the heat, we take the heat, and we turn the heat around.  We get thru it by
talking more and more about it till we’ve justified our bitchy controversial
existence. Everybody else can go straight to hell. Or suck it.

3).  MY DIJON-MAYO RED POTATO SALAD
It’s the talk of the town this summer.  I’ve made it three times in the
last month, and it’s truly a crowd-pleasing tasty bbq/picnic staple. 
RECIPE:
- Boil red potatoes (leave skin on), then cut into bite-size pieces.
- Add chopped Celery and Red Onion.
-
For the sauce, one heaping cup of mayo and 3-5 spoonfuls of dijon
mustard (Grey Poupon will do). Play with the mustard-to-mayo ratio and adjust for taste. I
like it really mustardy.  It’s what makes it special.
- Optional: Add fresh chopped dill for another dimension of flavor. Add some roasted chicken and it’s a complete meal.

2).  MARIAH “OBSESSED”
MC is back with a scathing summer single that’s a thinly-veiled job at
Eminem. But for those of us whom Eminem is less obsessed with, the song
applies to our real life stalkers.  You know the type…trying to act all incognito yet they know every detail of your life, but we see right thru them like they’re bathin’ in Windex.  Other kakakiller lyrics include:  “”You a mom and pop, I’m a corporation, I’m the press conference, You a conversation.”  Mariah may not hit #1 with this one, but it sure is fun.  Especially when the obsessed stalker gets slammed by that bus!  Get Obsessed here.

1).  JULY BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR THE HUBBIES
As someone with a November birthday, I’m grateful to have a hubby and
close friends who celebrate b’days smack in the middle of the summer.
Last year’s July hubbies birthday bash was a controversial yet
undeniably fun summer slutdown. This year’s celebration changed up the
pace, with a backyard bbq at our friends’ awesome NJ house. Aaron and I
hosted a party for our hubbies bubbyMichael and Gary, and welcomed
friends old and new for a gay ole time, NJ-gay-housewives style. No
tables got flipped, but I did prance around like a
party-prostitution-whore-hostess. Take a look:

We were popping bottles all night, saying you can have whatever you like…

Large backyard deck.  Not my house, but feels like home.  This is how we roll in NJ.

Birthday hubbies, Michael and Gary.

Me and the bubbs.

Me and the sun-ripened girls.

A package of Nathan’s mini-weenies and a roll of Pillsbury crescent rolls go a long way.  These little piggies went all the way into my tummy.

My devourous Spinach-Artichoke Dip, baked to a golden oozy gorgeousness.

Backyard BBQ included these chicken-veggie skewers that Aaron and I spent an hour making.  We made almost 60 of them. 

I cranked out a few batched of cookies and brownies.  The brownies, I baked in mini-muffin tins and they came out amazingly!

2 kinds of Birthday cake:  Strawberry Shortcake and Banana pudding cake.  As cake was being passed, guests were asked which cake they wanted.  I heard the word “OR” and I scoffed.  There’s no OR in CAKE!  Give me both OR give me death.

The party was a lot of work before, during, and after.  But in the end, another July birthday success!

10 THINGS THAT MADE MY MAY
A little late for rehashing May, but I’ve gone a whole heinous month without a new entry.  For shame on me!  Here are 10 mah-velous things that distracted me from blogging. 

10).  THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NJ
If you think about the Bravo Housewives series and everything it stands for (wealth, bitchery, insanity, plastic in their wallets, plastic in their faces, wigs and weaves, heels and fancy meals, fingernails, women you wanna slap), NJ was inevitable.  There’s
the one with the big hair, the one with the Joisey accent, the one with
the way-orange spray tan.  And that’s all the same wife:  Theresa! 
From the getgo, these wives will have you going “oh gawd.”  And if you
haven’t changed the channel by the first commercial break, then fluff
up your “bubbies” and consider yourself hooked.  Bravo has hit the
housewife nail on the head with this quintet of bitchy table-flipping Carmela
Sopranos.  We don’t exactly have any emergent Jills, Bethennys or NeNes
yet, but DinaCarolineJacquelineTheresaDanielle are already leaps and
bounds more entertaining than any of the OC wives.  These are my ladies of the Garden State (Parkway).
 

9).  PLEDGE FABRIC SWEEPER FOR PET HAIR 
I
have 2 cats that I love to death.  But at times they shed so much fur
all over everything (the bed, rugs, couch, clothes)  that I sometimes
wanna toss them out the window or just shave them bald.  Well now along
comes the best fight against pet hair: the Pledge Fabric Sweeper. 
It’s a handheld rolly-doo-dad that picks up and traps fur.  I use it
everyday and completely satisfies the  clean freak within.  I can now love my cats and clear away any trace of them, at the same time!

8).  CHRISETTE MICHELE “BLAME IT ON ME”
I
first saw her perform on David Letterman.  I wasn’t paying attention to
the TV (I think I was Pledge sweeping the couch).  Then I heard a
soulful-bluesy-power-voice reminiscent of Alicia Keys, Jill Scott and
even Adele.  “Blame It On Me” is a robust slow-pounding ballad that
deserves as much, if not more, radio-play as any Beyonce single.  Have a listen here and you will love.

7).  SPENCER PRATT ON “THE HILLS”
Oh
Spencer.  The preeminent reality show douchebag we’ve loved to hate,
has this season transcended to the one we just love.  In a season of
marginalized LC storylines (she’s leaving), beefed up She-Pratt
shenanigans (she’s a gnarly dumbass), and Audrina-Brody-Jayde
dra(yawn)ma, Spencer’s reliable verbal assholery has turned into
outright comical gold in a sea of tarnished silver.  His
interactions/altercations with Stacy the bartendress, Heidi’s mom,
Steph’s ex Cameron, Heidi’s bible-babbling Colorado
ex, Heidi’s cowboy dad, and the relationship therapist are instant
Hills classics.  And finally, his apology phone call to his nemesis LC
was truly shocking.  Shockingly cordial, shockingly articulate,
shockingly humble, shockingly undouchebaggy, shockingly admitting to spreading those LC-sex-tape rumors he’s denied spreading for seasons.  Now if only we can get
him and Kelly Cutrone in a scene together….

6).  CLAY AIKEN VS. ADAM LAMBERT FEUD
It’s mostly a one-sided feud, started by one bitter bitch over losing the gay Idol spotlight he’s held for so long.  Yes, Gay Aiken apparently criticized Adam Lambert’s “Ring of Fire” recently as “contrived,” “awful” and “slightly frightening” on his blog, and alluded to favoritism by judges on Adam over Kris.  Well, Adam retaliated courteously but bit(ch)ingly by saying: “I’m glad he’s getting headlines now though, because he wasn’t before….If he wants to ride my coattails about it, good for him.”  End of bitchiness for now.  Clearly there’s a bitter has-been gay Idol here and his name rhymes with GO-AWAY.  And clearly there’s a new gay on the Idol block who knows the musical world is his oyster, while Clay is grasping at barnacles.  Let’s hope the cease-fire doesn’t last.

5).  “LOST” SEASON FINALE
Non-LOST
watchers are probably sick to death of my mentioning how good this show
is.  But I won’t be content until everyone I know has been immersed
into the intricate intriguing world of the consistently best show on
tv.  I am still haunted, mystified and satisfied by the fifth season
ender.  Just enjoying the episode was not enough for me though.  I
needed to understand the episode to the fullest extent possible.  To
that end, I turned to the best review written on it at EW.com.  It’s very long (7 in-depth pages) but a VERY worthwhile read for Lost-aholics.

4).  “THE FUNERAL” by BAND OF HORSES
This
haunting
teen-tv alterna-rock song favorite is the new “Hallelujah.” 
Already heard this season on “Gossip Girl” and the “90210″ season
finale, this is the perfect grim anthem to capture the final scene
where someone dies, breaks up, or hits someone with a car
(I-Know-What-You-Did-Last-Summer-style) while crying because she got
shame-yelled in the face by nemesis Naomi at a post-prom party.  Yes,
90210Annie, I’m talking to you.  Listen here.

3).  CLEAN & CLEAR ADVANTAGE ACNE SPOT TREATMENT
I’ve
been battling acne for nearly 20 years now, from the incessant
breakouts in my teens to the far-too-frequent spot zits in my 20′s and
now, ugh, 30′s.  And for those 20 complexionally combative yrs, my
weapon of choice has been Clearasil in all its forms:  benzoyl peroxide
creams, salicylic acid gels, etc.  In battle terms, Clearasil is like a
shotgun.  Well now I have a machine gun!  It’s Clean & Clear’s
Advantage Fast Clearing Acne Spot Treatment.  The package boasts an audacious claim: 
“100% of users saw fewer pimples in just 1 day.”  NO FUCKING WAY,
thought I.  But I was happily wrong.  After a day or so, zits that were normally
resistant to other creams, started to dissipate noticeably.  I have
been won over, and my skin is forever thankful.

2).  GLEE
No
better title for a show that gives you that very eponymous feeling. 
The teaser pilot episode we got is a good sign of things and singing to
come in the fall.  The cast is impeccable, with hottish Matthew
Morrison as the impassioned chorus teacher, the hysterical Jane Lynch
(from “Role Models”), and students plucked from “Spring Awakening.”. If
you don’t find yourself at least tapping your feet along during the
musical numbers, then please check yourself into the morgue.  Watch the
pilot and fill yourself with sheer GLEE.

1).  MY BLACKBERRY CURVE 8900
I
have been technologically emancipated from a prison of not having
mobile access to email/internet/facebook/blogging.  (Or am I now
technologically imprisoned by these mobile means?? Hmmmmm).  Anyhoo,
since getting my swanky new Blackberry Curve 8900 last month, I have
fully unleashed the “internet monster” that an ex-friend once viciously
(and correctly) called me.  Facebook status updates that occur in real time (“Jason is inhaling a lobster roll”, “Jason is stalking Mariah”, “Jason is bleeding to death”), mobile
photo uploads, an actual real web browser in the palm of my hands.  The Curve has its fair share of nifty apps, so it fills the iPhone void (I won’t succumb to you, AT&T!).  And last but not least, BBM. 
Blackberry Messenger links your other BB friends into a super-convenient proprietary IM world
right at your fingertips.  Most of my closest friends are Crackheads already, so Blackberries unite!

Here’s a recent gorgeous food/friends outing I had, the fun and frolic of which were captured (awesome camera phone) and shared (Facebook postings) on my Curve: 

 
A leisurely Friday lunch at Saks Fifth Ave with Linda and Leslie.

 
Dessert with lunch, always.  Creme brulee and mille crepe cake.

Rockefeller skankas.

10 THINGS I SHOWERED LOVE ON IN APRIL

10).  Ciara’s “Love Sex & Magic”
Step aside, Rihanna.  2009 is not your year.  There’s a new one-named caramel queen on Justin’s arm, and this one doesn’t fraternize with Chris Brown.  Ciara’s back with a smart new Rihanna-meets-Gaga strategy: techno-dancey R&B with breathy JT hooks.  “Love Sex & Magic” is an instant foot-tapping shoulder-shaking hit in an aural sea of nothing terribly exciting on the radiowaves.

9).  Thurs 10pm TV With the Word “land” in the Title
This month NBC and CBS delivered promising new shows ending in the word “land” in the same time-slot vacated by decrepit over-stayed ER.  “Southland” and “Harper’s Island” are 2 of the better new shows to debut in April.  I surprisingly don’t hate Southland, a COPS-style drama.  It’s riveting in its bleak bowels-of-LA reality, and refreshing in its lack of the usual cop-show pretentious preciousness.  So far Regina King is the heart of show, while Ben “OC” MacKenzie is the candy.  On “Harper’s Island,” we form no emotional connection with any of the characters, but that’s perfect because most of them die.  Die gruesome deaths.  Every week.  One by one.  Sometimes I just need that.
 

**BONUS**  a HATE within a LOVE:
While NBC and CBS each gave me a show to like this month, ABC gave me 2 shows to hate:  “The Unsuals” and “Cupid” are not worth their unusually heavy network hype (neither was “Life On Mars”).  I gave each one a chance and they just made me regret wasting DVR space.  Seriously ABC….you go ahead and CANCEL 3 of your best shows (“Pushing Daisies”, “DirtySexyMoney”, “Eli Stone”) in favor of 3 poorly-executed unoriginal holier-than-thou precious pieces of programming garbage that fail to capture my interest with uninspired casting, half-baked writing, and irrelevant acting?  Now those are the ABC’s of stupidity. 

8).  LALA.com
Think itunes, but at lala.com,
you can hear the WHOLE song before buying.  But why buy when you can
Limewire?  So next time I hear a nifty Youth Group or Plushgun tune on
“Gossip Girls” or “The Hills”….I’ll Lala, then Limewire.  Tres
useful.   

7).  Smoothies
My 2009 fresh fruit craze has taken on a whole new dimension with the help of my blender and OJ.  I perfected my smoothies recipes, and they are shockingly simple.  Fresh strawberries + ripe bananas + splash of OJ.  Fresh strawberries + fresh mango + OJ.  And when I was running low on OJ, I used a splash of Vitamin Water in the mix.  DELICIOUS.  The possibilities are endless.  Now I’m just waiting for watermelon season so I can start concocting strawberry-watermelon lemonade smoothies.

6).  LOST reruns on Sci-Fi
As “Lost”
approaches its final season, and as it has been TV’s best show this
season, I am hell-bent on understanding every last little bit of the
mystery.  Why?  Because it’s worth it.  Everyday I record the reruns on
Sci-Fi…the 1am airings which are now well into Season 2, during the
Hatch days and just before consorting with The Others.  I am now
catching small consequential coincidences/plot
points/characters/revelations that did not matter or make sense to me
in the past.  When all is ended and done, a complete and total
understanding of “Lost” will be tantamount to a mastery of Calculus. 
Math was never my thing.  But good tv is. 

5).  Wegman’s
Who doesn’t love a good supermarket.  And supermarkets don’t get much gooder than Wegman’s.  The closest one to us is in Woodbridge, NJ, a 30-min drive from Bayonne.  So what does Wegman’s have that Bayonne’s sufficient Stop&Shop and A&P don’t?  Well, for one, a prepared foods wing that brings me to tears.  For another, their muffins are luscious, their olive bar is ginormous, their seafoods and meats reign supreme.  Wegman’s creates a warm grocery shopping experience for the food lover and loves-to-cook.  And the people that work there don’t look miserable.  Neither do the shoppers. 

4).  Joan Rivers on “Celebrity Apprentice”
Without Joan Rivers, Celebrity Apprentice would still be good fun.  With Joan Rivers, Celebrity Apprentice is really gooooooood fun.  She has made many enemies on the show (Clint Black, Annie Duke, Brandi Broderick) and she has been thrown in the midst of many a vicious boardroom.  Yet like a silicone cockroach with a quick sharp wit, she survives and just makes for good unmissable tv.  Joan can do no wrong in my book.

3).  Entertainment Weekly 2-yr Subscription for $25 from Amazon
As
a loyal EW subscriber since 1994, I’m always on the lookout for a good
renewal deal.  The best deal I ever came across is happening right now
on Amazon.com,
where you can get 2 years (114 issues) for only $35.  And if you buy
before April 30 (tomorrow), they knock off another $10.  $25 for 2
years of EW is unheard of!!

2).  Cherry Vanilla Ice Cream w/ Sugar Cone
I rotate my ice cream obsessions to keep from getting bored, from Klondikes to Weight Watchers latte bars to Edy’s Grand Slow Churned.  My newest thing is Breyer’s Cherry Vanilla, in a bowl, with Keebler sugar cones.  The sugar cones, I like to crumble with my hands and sprinkle it over the cherry vanilla scoops.  It’s simple and divine.  Better than anything at Coldstone.  Better than any Ben & Jerry’s (I’m realizing I’m not a fan of B&J…too muss fuss in every pint).  Breyer’s was never a favorite of mine, but nowadays, all natural is all right with me.

1).  My Facebook Food Following
I was at a party this past weekend with mostly new friends, made friendlier via Facebook.  This is how things went down:

As I hugged hello to the party host and handed him a bottle of wine, he goes, “I don’t want this!  I want some of the food you make!”  I died.  I had no response.  I was too stunned and pleased. 

I hug another friend as he arrives and he goes “omg, you’re so skinny….how is that possible with all the delicious food you eat.”  What can I Tsay? 

I’m talking to someone and a friend dashes across the room with a finger pointing at me, saying “This one is always making me hungry with his food posts!”  Guilty as charged. 

Another one goes:  “How do you keep having these leisurely lunches while everyone’s at work?  I wanna have lobster rolls at Pearl Oyster Bar on a Friday!”  Who doesn’t??!!

MY EASTER DINNER PICS caused quite a Facebook stir as well.  SeE(AT) for yourself:

Cold Seafood Salad with lemon vinaigrette, a divine Barefoot Contessa recipe.
Crabcake-Stuffed Mushrooms, my own creation with my own simple actual crabcake recipe.

Steamed crabs that my mom contributed to dinner.  A labor of love to eat.
As I get down & dirty with some crab, cousin Jennifer looks delirious after eating too many. 

FRIDAY LADIES-THAT-LUNCH SERIES with my lovely gals Linda & Liz:

Central Park Boathouse last Friday, the first day of the 4-day summer we had. 
Linda’s Heirloom Tomato Feta salad.

Liz’s Twin Cheeseburgers with outrageous tater tots.
My Grilled Salmon with dill and white garbanzo beans in an olive oil vinaigrette.

Pannacotta and Almond cake with vanilla ice cream and blood oranges.

My girls from HS.  We all met over 15 years ago, and our friendship endures.  So do our waistlines (when we’re not 9-months pregnant like Liz in the middle).

Our Friday lunch at LANDMARC in the Time Warner Center a few weeks ago.  The dessert was called ONE OF EACH: Creme brulee, Blueberry crumble, Nutella eclair, Lemon tart, Chocolate
mousse, Tiramisu, and a basket of grape flavored Cotton Candy.  The rest of Facebook would follow our luscious lead and flock to Landmarc soon after.

So what’s my point here?  All the world’s a pig, and the people merely drooling.  EATING ON.

Why don’t they just call disco nite “Donna Summer nite” and save themselves the hassle?  Or just scrap this overdone genre already and give us a relevant music theme like Billboard-hits-from-the-past-year.  Wouldn’t you like to see Allison do “My Life Would Suck Without You?”  Or Adam do an acoustic “Womanizer.”  But I digress.  Here’s how Donna Summer nite went:
 
LIL ROUNDS singing “I’m Every Woman.”  What a shocker.  She’s every black woman singing this (e)very song on every season of Idol.  I hate this song.  A song that does NOTHING for the vocals.  It’s such a one note boring song.  No layers whatsoever.  Her last few weeks singing “What’s Love Got To Do With It” and “The Rose”, I felt she was wrongfully brutalized.  But this time, she deserves for the shitty song choice alone.

KRIS ALLEN in a plain white tee.  Classic.  Fantastic.  He totally went “La Isla Bonita” on “She Works Hard For the Money,” giving us another show of true originality and artistry that only Adam can rival.  He’s also had the best song choices all season.  Backstage, Lil Rounds was rolling over in her musical career grave.

DANNY GOKEY.  How did I go from loving him so in the Top 36 singing “Hero” to hating him so in the top 12?  Here’s how: Obvious crowd-pleasing song choices in every genre (he has yet to chose a song that raised my eyebrows), his pompous oversinging, his obvious but blatantly unscrutinized lack of originality, and the fact that Simon has not yet warned him about his smugness.  I at least thought Simon would be tired of his sameness by now.

ALLISON had me from the first note, sitting on the steps with a bluesy-rock take on “Hot Stuff.”  Allison rightfully deserves to be the last woman standing, if not the last one standing.  I can only live with 3 people winning this whole thing:  Adam, Kris, or Allison.   

ADAM LAMBERT is a chameleon if we ever saw & heard one.  He can do down & dirty well, and he can clean up rather nicely.  He’s changing the face of music and setting a new bar for every season of Idol that follows.  He could single-handedly bring back the Monster Ballads of the 80′s.  I would just DIE DIE DIE for him to sing Poison’s “Every Rose Has Its Thorn,”  Warrant’s “Heaven,” or Cheap Trick’s “The Flame.”

MATT GIRAUD doing “Staying Alive” was probably pretty predictable, if I had cared to predict what he’d be singing.  Like Simon said, he really has no chance of winning.  Saving him last week was more about Simon saving himself from getting his eyes scratched out by a Paula Bear.

ANOOP was not as bad as Simon said, but in a week where 2 are going home, it’s Lil and him for sure. 

I’m so behind on my entries!  I first wanna thank my few remaining rabid fans for checking my site daily for updates.  You remind me that there are still a few people who still read me and make me feel guilty for not posting things.  Thanks in particular to my fan(stalker) in Arizona, and my Edison, NJ fan(stalker).  Ok then, so here’s a quickie entree…. 

Two Sundays ago I hosted my gays for a home-cooked brunch.  Seven hungry mouths to feed, including mine, so that makes 10 appetites.  No problem.  Here’s what I did:

TURKEY CLUB WRAPS:  Roasted deli turkey breast, a smear of mayo, slices of crisp bacon, mounds of sliced avocado.  What’s NOT to love here??
 

BROWN SUGAR CINNAMON FRENCH TOAST.  I cheated here, and used Pepperidge Farms’ Brown Sugar Cinnamon bread, which I toasted, then dipped in beaten egg, and a dusting of powdered sugar.  Batch cooking of pancakes/french toast/waffles always frazzles me, so I had to take the easy way out.  At least it wasn’t Eggo Waffles.  Next time I will try a baked french toast bread pudding.  It’s easiest to let the oven do the work rather than you standing over a pan on the stove.  

INDIVIDUAL EGG SOUFFLE CUPS.  I created this little egg cup concoction.  I sprayed ramekin dishes, layered in toast that I cubed, roasted asparagus, crumbled cooked bacon, poured in beaten eggs, and baked at 350 for 30 mins, then topped with some shredded Monterey Jack cheese for the last 5 minutes.  The mixture actually RISES in the oven.  It’s a lovely sight, like a muffin top.  It was tasty, but I thought the egg was overcooked.  Next time I’d try it at a lower temp like 325, or cook it more in a water bath in the oven.  I give it 7 in taste, but a 9 in ingenuity. 

And finally, as an after-meal refresher, fresh blended STRAWBERRY-BANANA SMOOTHIES.  I simply cut up strawberries and ripe bananas and blended them with orange juice. 

Simple.  Lovely.  Brunchy.

10 THINGS THAT MADE MARCH MAGICAL

 
10).  CHOCOLATE COVERED STRAWBERRIES
For a friend’s birthday, I decided to give the gift of decadence. 
Wait…scratch that.   I MADE the gift of decadence.  I made a huge
platter of chocolate covered strawberries.  Inspired by my hubby’s
impressive Valentine’s Day chocovered strawberries, I wanted to try
making them myself.  AND HOW EASY IT WAS!  Here’s how: 
- Melt semi-sweet chips in microwave for 1 min.  Stir, and chips will continue melting.
- Dip strawberries into chocolate and lay out on wax paper.
- Refrigerate

This required less work than baking cookies, although I made a huge kitchen mess with countless bowls, chocolate smears, and over-nuked burnt chips.  Next time will go much smoother.  I also wasn’t too thrilled with the turnout of individual pieces, as I experimented with drizzling and designs.  But all laid out together and presented to the guests…GORGEOUS to see, GORGEOUS to eat, TRIUMPHANT to make. 

9).  LADY GAGA
Lady Gaga gagot us thru the dead of winter with her
inescapably groovy “Just Dance” and now with “Pokerface,” which is
shaping up to be equally satisfying aural sex.  Most people liken her
to Christina Aguilera, but I like to think of her
as the reincarnation of Samantha Fox, the late 80′s platinum-haired
brit chick who gave us “I Wanna Have Some Fun” and “Naughty Girls Need
Love Too.”  But that’s a whole other reminisc-entry.  Lady Gaga is two
music videos in and by now we’re used to her wacky-cutesy dance
moves/wigs/leotards/glitter/fishnets/struts.  But she’s fresh, I like
her, and she’s just the right end-of-the-decade musical force to take us
into 2010 and beyond. 

8).  DR. MANHATTAN IN “WATCHMEN”
I wanted to love “Watchmen,” I really did.  But after 2 hrs and 40 mins, the only impression I left the theatre with was that of Dr. Manhattan’s, um, big blue schlong.  Yes, he bares it all….not in one scene, not in two scenes, or even three.  In just about every scene he’s in!  The movie was rather a letdown to me.  This rowdy band of superheroes was overhyped and underwhelming, and left me not wanting more.  Dr. Manhattan, however, is worthy of a movie all to himself.  And not just because his penis had a starring role.

7).  SAWYER ON “LOST”
Season
after season, the dramatic and emotional core of “LOST” has been either
Jack, Kate, Locke or Ben.  But in this mid-season, that onus has
shifted over to Sawyer.  No longer the brooding wise-cracking renegade
castaway you sometimes wanna bitchslap, Sawyer has been anchoring more
than his share of the island saga, ever since he chose to jump out of the helicopter and missing his chance of being the Oceanic Seventh.  His recent monologue to Horace explaining if 3 years is
long enough to get over someone you loved, was achingly heart-tugging,
brilliantly followed by his face-to-face island reunion with Kate only
moments later.  He’s now leader of the pack and yet another exciting shift of events on TV’s best show.  Josh Holloway has been turning in consistently
Emmy-worthy scenes in season 5, and I hope he finally gets his breakout
Supporting Actor nom. 

6).  FABULOUS XANGA FRIEND ENCOUNTER
In this day and age, a internet-encounter that doesn’t result in Chris Hanson walking into the kitchen and saying “Sir, you’re on Dateline NBC…” is a good thing.  That’s why it was a really great thing when I finally got a chance to meet up in person with long-time xanga friend from Cali, Darlene (aka Daydreamer33) this month when she visited NYC for her 30th birthday.  I met up with Darlene and her husband for a quickie meet-and-greet over hot chocolate decadence at Max Brenner Chocolate Shop.  A xanga friendship forged over mutual food/home decor/food/American Idol/food obsessions, translated fabulously in real life.  We garrulous gals gabbed and giggled effortlessly as if we’d been friends forever separated merely by a little time and distance. 

5).  “FLIGHTLESS BIRD AMERICAN MOUTH” FROM “TWILIGHT”
I finally
watched “Twilight” and succumbed to the fuss.  The movie was less of
the overhyped teenage catnip I was prepared for, and more of the
heart-achingly forbidden love story set to the backdrop of good old
fashioned vampirism.  This song “Flightless Bird American Mouth”
by Iron & Wine (some old dude with a big beard), which plays over a
gentle scene in the end, is bewitching and sublime.  I first heard it
several months ago when the band played it on Jay Leno, and I
downloaded it.  Now having seen the movie and its placement in the
film, it’s perfectly befitting.  As for the meaning of the song
title, who the hell knows.

4).  LOBSTER ROLL AT PEARL OYSTER BAR

Now, I haven’t had every relevant lobster roll in the city, but I finally had a chance to have Pearl Oyster Bar’s wondrous version thanks to my lobstergal Linda on the most recent installment of our legendary ladies-that-lunch Fridays.  It beats the ones offered at BLT Fish’s (too small and inconsistent), Fred’s @ Barney’s (too little mayo; bad bread choice in thick multi-grain slices), and Lure Fishbar (so long ago I don’t even remember).  I’ve yet to have the fabled rolls at Mary’s Fishcamp or Mermaid Inn, but for now, Pearl Oyster Bar’s is my frontrunner.  Paired with delectable shoestring fries, the dish was perfection.

3).  KLONDIKE BARS
What would you do for a Klondike bar? 
Well, I’d do anything.  ANYTHING.  My childhood favorite is back in
my freezer after a long unexplained absence.  Why have I not Klondike’d
for so long?!  It’s the simplest thing: vanilla ice cream coated in
chocolate.  But the chocolate has a little something extra, like a hint of caramel/honey that is purely delicious.  I’ve been living off these this month.  My favorite scenario:  late at night curled up on the couch in my pj’s with a blanky over my lap watching “Damages” and chowing down on a luscious Klondike.  It’s heaven I tell ya.  

2).  “PLANET EARTH”
I have been ADDICTED to Discovery Channel’s 11-part “Planet Earth” series from 2007.  Deep down I believe we’re all suckers for National
Geographics type shows, and “Planet Earth” unveils our world more
stunningly than ever before.  The thematic episodes explore “Deep
Ocean,” “Forests,” “Deserts” etc, showing us breathtaking topography
and flora/fauna that we’ll never get to see in our lifetime.  Three
episodes air every Sunday night.  My favorite so far has been
“Mountains.”  I have no further words to describe.  Justwatchit.

1).  MY NEPHEW TYLER
 
Cuter than a chocolate covered strawberry.  More scrumptious than a lobster roll.  Melts your heart faster than a Klondike bar in my mouth.  My brother’s little boy is my bundle of joy as well.  This past month Tyler turned 6 months, and it’s half a year that went by lighting fast in the grand scheme of it all.  I relish my weekly visits to Queens to spend time and play with the fun happy little guy.  Tyler’s unexpected two-weeks-early birth was truly a gift for me personally, because it occurred exactly one day after one of the most dreadful events of my life.  That made no sense to most of you reading this, and it’s not worth delving into.  But my point here is, Tyler is my little miracle.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

B O N U S :

THINGS THAT MADE MY MARCH CRAPPY:
3).  March Madness.  So sick of hearing about this.  AS IF I CARE ABOUT BASEBALL?  FOOTBALL?  BASKETBALL?
2).  Scott MacIntyre on “Idol.”  The worst still around.  AS IF I CARE THAT HE’S BLIND?
1).  Natasha Richardson tragedy.  Need I say more?

Motown nite.  Meh.

MATT GIRAUD
Aight.

KRIS ALLEN
Sweet.

BLIND GUY
Ghastly.

MEGAN
Horrid.

ANOOP
yAWnFUL.

MICHAEL SARVER
Cheesy.

LIL
Not hot.

ADAM
Hot.

DANNY
Taylor Hicks.

ALLISON
Good.

SMOKEY ROBINSON’S GREEN EYES
Creepy.

PAULA’S SIMON-DRAWN MUSTACHE
Priceless.

PAULA’S REAL MUSTACHE
Yes.

OUT?  Megan.

It was the dreaded country music nite, aka, the episode I have zero tolerance for unless I know and like the song.  The viewers dread it more than the contestants, and Simon dreads it more than anyone.  But the nite was salvaged by a few country love ballads from a coupla dudes. 

MICHAEL SARVER
Hated it.  Hate him.  I hate his singing.  I hate looking at him.  I hate his birthing hips.  I hate his weird alien-y insect-y brow/forehead precipice.  Just leave.

ALLISON IRAHETA
Meh.  She was sounding all kinds of Miley Cyrus to me, and me no likes no Smiley Virus.  I just need Allison around long enough to actually sing Kelly Clarkson. 

KRIS ALLEN
When the episode began, I decided not to do a review.  I gave up all hope for an episode worthy of commentary.  But then Kris sang.  And he made me feel his love.  And I hope he feels my love.  Because I love this guy more and more each week.  He’s the smart guy who takes a throwaway throwuppy theme like country nite, and turns in a safe but soothing performance.  Well done.  

LIL ROUNDS
I cackled when Simon called her Little.  Lit-ul.  kakakaka.  Little seems to have a wardrobe issue.  Her 1980′s prom outfits are tragique, and she needs a long wig.  She’s also a lil too precious to me for a black chick.  I’d like her to get a lil mean and attitude’y.  Danny Gokey has more convincing black chick ‘tude than she does.

ADAM LAMBERT
Adam’s middle-finger-to-country-music performance was ballsy and irreverent.  I thought Randy Travis’ skeletal face was gonna turn stone-cold corpsey.  However Adam chooses to interpret a genre, you definitely can’t call him boring.  Thank god for him this year.

SCOTT MACINTYRE
I applaud Paula for calling out the blind-man-and-his-piano, the pink blind elephant in the room.  And I applaud Simon for attacking Paula for being impolite.  It kills Paula whenever Simon calls her out.  I was never a fan of this guy and I don’t think I’ll ever be.  

ALEXIS GRACE
She DOES look a lot like Dolly!  Her “Joleen” was much better than Brooke White’s last year.  I’m starting to like her.  

DANNY GOKEY
When they said he was singing Carrie Underwood, I got all atingle imagining “Before SHE Cheats.”  But nooooo.  “Jesus Take the Wheel”…ugh.  I can’t relate.  I’m not into religion, and I don’t drive.  Danny’s appeal is dissipating for me.  Jesus took it. 

ANOOP
“Always on My Mind”.  Love the Elvis version.  Love the Pet Shop Boys version.  Even love the Fantasia version.  Loved Anoop’s version.  I’m thrilled he bounced back because he deserves to stay longer.

MEGAN CORKREY
Her face is undeniably gorgeous.  Her shoulder dancing is annoying as fuck.  And does this woman own sleeves?  I agree her voice tone is intriguing and unique, but I would just love for her to do a serious love ballad, rather than her quirky, folksy, vaudeville-y performances.  You’re singing for a music career, not a children’s birthday party.    

MATT GIRAUD
His piano “So Small” was not bad, but his vocals are still not on par with some others.  Does he deserve all the praise he got from all 4 judges?  No.  Just some.  Take his piano away and see how great, or small, he is.

BEST PERFORMANCE OF THE NIGHT:  Kris Allen

WORST PERFORMANCE OF THE NIGHT:  Paula.  Her repeated failed attempts at 3 and 4 syllable words were, as Simon might say, “like watching a pink blind elephant trying to squeeze into Lil Rounds 80′s prom dress….clumsy, laughable, and ultimately, sad.”

WHO’S GOING HOME:  Michael Sarver

I created a new signature dish that I’ve made twice in the past week for separate occasions, and everyone just loves it.  It’s fresh, light, satisfying, and so easy to make.  I’m calling it my SHRIMP SCAMPI PASTA RABE.

Here’s how it came about.  For the past few months at my 2 local supermarkets (A&P and Stop&Shop), they didn’t have broccoli rabe when I wanted it.  So I stopped wanting it.  Last week I happened to see it, and it screamed “buy me!”  So I did, not having any particular use for it.  A few days later while thinking what to make for dinner, I knew I had the rabe, and the only protein on hand was frozen shrimp.  So I made the broccoli rabe like I always do:

SAUTEED BROCCOLI RABE
- Dice shallot and garlic, saute in olive oil.  
- Cut up broccoli rabe to reasonable pieces, add to pan. 
- Cover and let it wilt down a few mins, adding salt & pepper.
- Add enough chicken broth to cover the rabe, and let it slowly simmer for 10-15 mins.  (the broth simmer cuts down the bitterness)

Meanwhile, cook any kind of pasta.  As for the shrimp, the most delicious flavorful thing I can do to it is scampi.

SIMPLE SHRIMP SCAMPI
- Heat olive oil and knob of butter.  Add minced garlic.
- Add shrimp and toss around.
- Squeeze lots of lemon juice and splash of white wine, and simmer 5 mins.
- Sprinkle parsley and DONE.

COMBINE the broccoli rabe and shrimp scampi with the cooked pasta and toss.  The brothy sauce from the rabe and the lemony-winey scampi sauce will form enough heavenly liquid to coat all the pasta.  Drizzle some more olive oil, sprinkle more salt if needed, and DONE.  Enjoy with a glass of white.