July 2, 2007

• *SUMMERGUIDE*

  jasonbasin's GLORIOUS GUIDE TO SUMMER 2007!
  Welcome to my third annual summer guide (check out 2006 and 2005 here), instructing you on how to make the best of our blink-and-you'll-miss-it summer.  It wasn't easy sifting thru all the summer selections to make my recommendations because let's face it, there's a crapload of summer junk out there (any movie with Robin Williams in it; chubby gaysians in capris; "So You Think America's Got Talent and Can Dance in Hell's Kitchen with a Pirate Master on a Bingo Night").   But then there are the seasonal gems that evoke nothing but sunny warm summer goodness (that refreshing summer drink; that song on the radio that makes you bristle with delight; jasonbasin's Summer Guides).  There's only 2 summery months left.  Let's make it a fab one, fuckers!
  
   

  TV SHOWS TO GET US THRU SUMMER:
  Thank god for basic cable this summer:
  1)  Bravo's tasty triumvirate of TOP CHEF, PROJECT RUNWAY & KATHY GRIFFIN D-LIST.  Food, Fashion, and a fiesty fag hag, respectively.  The gayest network on tv also has the best reality shows on tv.  Go fagure.  (EDIT:  just learned that PROJ. RUNWAY is not coming back till Decemberish.  ugh....annoying.)
  2)  THE 4400 on USA.   Before "Heroes" there was The 4400.  This X-Men meets X-Files series is compelling summer watching.
  3)  THE CLOSER on TNT.  This Law & Order with a southern drawl (Kyra Sedgwick makes me tingle with delight) is the only crime drama that I watch.  Find out why and you'll thank me...you'll thank me very much.

  SUB'LIME' BEVERAGE OF THE SUMMER:
  bubbyMichael's fresh-squeezed SUB'LIME'ADE.  One of the hubby's specialties starts simply with a bag of limes, and our juicer to squeeze out every little bit of juice and pulp.  In a pitcher with the lime extract, he mixes cold water and lots of sugar.  Stir and voila....a most tartly sweet refreshing summer drink.  I like to sip and savor this out of a wineglass (with vodka).
  

  
  WORKDAY DIVERSION OF THE SUMMER:
  LUNCHES WITH MY COUSIN JENNIFER.  She's home from college with nothing to do, and I'm miserable at work with too much to do.  So it's become our summer thing to meet up regularly for power lunches around Union Square.  We do City Bakery, WitchCraft on 20th Street, Saigon Grill on University Place.  We discuss DisneyWorld, The Starter Wife, and Bravo reality shows over Thai iced teas.  We trash trashy people over warm City Bakery toasted coconut cookies.  So go grab your own cousin Jennifer, and have a splendid summer lunch.   It makes the misery of the workday disappear for an hour or so, and sets you up for a nice late afternoon lunch coma.
  
  
  TANTALIZING TREAT OF THE SUMMER:
  WATERMELON.  That's right....I'm advocating healthy eating.  Some nights after dinner, ice cream is just too heavy.  That's when I dish out a nice bowl of watermelon. Picture it:  it's 10:30pm on a Tuesday night, you just took a long hot shower before bed, and you're so damn thirsty.  You open the fridge and take out the big bowl of cut up watermelon.  You stand at the kitchen counter in just your underwear, eating cold cubes of watermelon with your fingers and say to yourself: is there anything in the world better than watermelon??
  

  SUMMERLICIOUS SONG OF THE SUMMER:
  Last year we had Paris Hilton's trashysummerlicious "Stars Are Blind".  This summer's awesome anthem is RIHANNA's "UMBRELLA".  I know a lotta people hate this song, but oh well-ell-ell-eh-eh-eh-eh.... Watch the scorching video:

   

  SPORT OF THE SUMMER: 
  Summer just isn't summer to me without TENNIS.  The consistent summer bookends of Wimbledon in June and the US Open in August keep me 'dyking on' thru the dismal tv days.  I couldn't gave a rat's ass about men's tennis (YAWN).  It's all about the ladies for me:  screechy Sharapova; dramatic Williams sisters; exciting starlets Jankovic and Ivanovic, dynamic dyke Mauresmo.  Only 2 words can shit all over that enjoyment for me:  Justine Henin.  Oh how I hate her. 

  PERSONAL CARE PRODUCT OF THE SUMMER: 
  SoftSoap's POMEGRANATE MANGO BODY WASH.  I've been using this for a while now and its luscious fruity scent always evokes summer to me.  The exotic combo of pomegranate and mango is so tantalizing and delicious, I'm considering mixing this with vodka and making it next year's sublime beverage of the summer.
  

  
  

  REVERSE SUBURBANIZATION OF THE SUMMER:
  As some readers and stalkers know, my best gal Linda left NYC last summer to give the LI suburbs a try.  Well, watch out Manhattan because BITCHY'sBACK!  The wicked witch of the Upper East Side returns next month, in a brand spanking new lush apt, so expect to read here about the continuation of our epic sassy slapovers replete with Indian takeout, Scrabbattles, vodka tonics, and giggles & gossip galore!
  

  
  TRAGIC TV OF THE SUMMER:
  1)  HEY PAULA on Bravo
  2)  SCOTT BAIO IS 45 & SINGLE on VH1
  3)  pssst...HEY PAULA, SCOTT BAIO IS 45 & SINGLE 
  

  MOVIE OF THE SUMMER:

  
  THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM.  My spidey-sense tells me that after the onslaught of super-hero, super-sequel special effects blockbusters, we'll need to get Bourne again in the best way possible in a cold dark theatre.  We'll starve for some classic effects-free action drama centered around an actual compelling main character.   The Bourne movies have always given us that.  And a long-awaited tense showdown between Matt Damon and Joan Allen makes me tingle.  "Bourne" certainly won't make the most money, but it won't leave you feeling empty and annoyed like so many other movies so far.

  PRIDE OF THE SUMMER:
  Gay pride is so overrated.  Puerto Rican/Dominican pride is so scary.  This summer I'm all about PATIO PRIDE.  And my patio pride parade is going on all season long.  I planted my hanging flower boxes with the gorgeous flora pictured above.  I also have 2 potted Jasmine plants, a Hibiscus plant that's beginning to flower for the first time.  I have a few healthy looking sunflowers that I grew from seeds, along with some lemon sage and Four O'Clock flowers also grown from seeds.

   

  

  
  GEEKY TV OF THE SUMMER:
  "THE WORLD SERIES OF POP CULTURE" on VH1, premiering July 9th.  Being the pop culture and entertainment geek-junkie, I was addicted to this last season.  At last, my 13 years of subscribing to ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY finally has meaning.

  
  

  
  HOTTIES OF THE SUMMER: 
  SEXY BALD MEN IN THE MOVIES.  There's just something about Bruce.  There's always been something about Bruce...something that has-beens Kevin Costner, Richard Gere, and Tom Crui(lo)se(r) just can't maintain.  Is it the wry smile, the cocky eyes, the scruffy facial hair?  It's the bald die-hard head!  And is there any comic book hero sexier than the Surfer?  I think not.
  

  ATROCIOUS APPAREL OF THE SUMMER:
  Last year was chubby gaysians in capris.  This year, we have FATTIES IN FLIP FLOPS!  Ugh.  I'm all for open-toed footwear on any 65+ degree day, but there are two things I can't stand:  1). That actual irritating 'flip-flop-flip-flop'ing sound of someone lumbering behind me; and 2). When hefty pedestrians in flip-flops can't walk in them.  I have dodged many a waddling clumsy flip-flopper in my daily skedaddles thru the city.  Some are so incompetent in flip-flops that they walk slow, get in my way and sometimes lose their balance and come barreling into me.  AS IF.  Luckily for me, I can deftly swoosh right past them in my open-toed footwear with toned toothpick limbs and show them how it's done.  So to all the incompetent fatties in flip flops:  Do yourselves, your feet, and other pedestrians a huge favor...put on some sneakers and waddle upright. 
  

  
  SELF-IMPROVEMENT INITIATIVE OF THE SUMMER:
  HITTING THE GYM!  Last month Michael and I did the extraordinary recently -- we joined the Forum gym in Bayonne.  Michael does the morning routine a few times a week,  and I do the after-work one.  It's been over a month since joining and I've been going 3 times a week, and I feel great!  I feel much less flabby and achy all the time.  My lethargy  and chronic fatigue have turned into energy and feel-goodness.  We've even reached out to several of our friends who also have gym memberships but never go.  It's all part of my personal campaign for summer self-improvement.  It's critical timing for me, because (gulp)...this is the last summer I'm in my 20's!   It's time to drastically reverse the aging process and achieve the age-defying energetic physique I've always wanted, and maintain the supernatural metabolism that I was warned drastically declines once you hit 30.  WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT!

  HAVA HAPPY JULY 4TH!  It's a half day for me today...YAY!  Bye bitches, and don't forget to comment, or risk being my 'Lame Ass of the Summer!'
  

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