Michael Jackson week! I didn’t see this coming, and I was pleased. And impressed, frankly, that they got the rights to do Jacko. The only thing better would’ve been Madonna week (fingers crossed that this ever happens). MJ nite was one of the strongest Idol episodes ever, with a good handful coming out and really declaring war on the field.
LIL ROUNDS Sang “The Way You Make Me Feel.” One of my least fave MJ song, and like Simon said: “a lazy song choice.” Lil is capable of so much more, we know that. But she sang first, and no one ever blew us away singing first….esp with 12 others to follow.
SCOTT MACINTYRE Sang “Keep the Faith.” Never heard the song before; Never wanna hear it again. It was all so Sunday church in the midwest, with children of the corn waiting outside with pitchforks for anyone who didn’t sing along. Scott is 0 for 2 in song choices for me. He should’ve done the piano-y “You Are Not Alone” or “Heal the World,” a song only he (and David Archuleta) could get away with singing.
DANNY GOKEY Sang “PYT.” WTF? PFFT. Hated the song, loved him still. He sings with more unbridled confidence and unabashed bravado than anyone. For a shouty, dancey, upbeat song, he should’ve gone with “Bad.” We know he is. Sha-mon.
MICHAEL SARVER Sang “You Are Not Alone.” Love the song, but not his performance. He over-sang it, rendering it unrecognizable, and not in the good David Cook “Billie Jean” way. Rather, in the Arianna Afsar “The Winner Takes It All” way. I am not into this guy AT ALL. Unless country week comes soon, he won’t last.
JASMINE MURRAY Sang “I’ll Be There.” Great choice. She even stayed away from the Mariah version, choosing to stay true to the original. I expect to hate her everytime she sings, but girl can belt it. But this season, I don’t think just belting a song is enough anymore. (If so, they wouldn’t let Tatiana thru).
KRIS ALLEN Sang “Remember The Time.” When they announced MJ week, the first song I thought of was this one, and I was like “no way is someone gonna sing it.” So glad Kris did — and with the guitar, and not with an Egyptian outfit. I remember the time when I didn’t know who he was, much less that he played guitar. When he started strumming, I wanted him to break into “La Isla Bonita.” He’s now 2 for 2 with Michael Jackson. Kris’ voice and looks are the same: crisp and endearing.
ALLISON IRAHETA Sang “Give In To Me.” She rivals Danny Gokey and Adam Lambert in vocal self-assurance and stage ownership. I haven’t heard this song in 15 years and I just realized I LOVE THIS SONG. I went ahead and youtubed it. Damn, Michael Jackson was pretty fierce in his day: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KqDOsKKhb88. Allison is on fire.
ANOOP DESAI Sang “Beat It.” Anoop-slumdawg got kicked down by Simollionaire and the gang, but I didn’t think it was bad. I’m actually beginning to enjoy him, but he stands no chance. There are about 8 or 9 people better than him. Should’ve done “Man In the Mirror.”
JORGE NUNEZ Sang “Never Say Goodbye.” Wrong song, bad song, awful song. He completely lacked the vocal intensity he showed last round. The sun will go down on him now. Or en espanol: El sol bajara en el.
MEGAN CORKREY Sang “Rockin Robin.” I’m so tired of her singing these crazy twitchy Red Bullish songs. I really just want her shoulders to remain still. And her tattooed arm covered. Ugh. Like we didn’t get enough of that last season with Carly Smithson. Her intriguing freakiness and tone are keeping her in the game, but can this girl just sing a nice love song? How about “Billie Jean”? Anyway she sings it would sound different. ADAM LAMBERT Sang “Black or White.” WHO CAN POSSIBLY SING THIS?! Anyone else would’ve been laughed off the stage as a pitiful parody. But Adam rocked the shit out of it. I love this guy. I truly truly do. I expected him to do “In the Closet” (remeber the video with Naomi Campbell!). Incidentally, Paula essentially picked the same final two as I predicted weeks ago: Adam and Danny. Maybe she’s not so drunk after all.
MATT GIRAUD Sang “Human Nature.” I think I completely tuned him out, following Adam’s showstopper. He should’ve sung “Smooth Criminal.” Matt doesn’t have the capability to be good every single week. I feel he thrives or dies depending on the genre and song choice. I can’t seem to scrub his horrid Coldplay song from my mind. ALEXIS GRACE Sang “Dirty Diana.” Quite a gritty song for a squeaky clean child. I kinda liked it. I’m starting to like her. Her Cyndi Lauper meets Christina Aguilera persona is potentially exciting. She and Lil Rounds are battling for second place among the girls, behind Allison. And I just realized how few girls there are: 5 vs 7 guys. Interesting.
WHO’S GOING HOME? Say goodbye, Jorge. Beat it, Anoop.
It’s week 3 of the voting rounds, and the final 12 get their chance to
make us love them. Wait, let me re-do this intro. Two flaming gays, a blind guy, and someone named Lil Rounds walk into a bar….I mean, Idol. Ok, this week was comprised of two kinds of contestants: the ones we’ve seen too much of, and the ones we’ve never seen before. Who among them is Top 12 material? Who cares. None of these are winner material.
VON SMITH We all know gay guys like this — a talented but showy queen so full of himself that you sometimes wanna bitchslap. So it was nice to see him refrain from being all the annoying that he can be, for a change. But you could see how hard he was trying not to let his inner black woman come out. You know it’s killing him. He wants this opportunity so bad. You feel like he would literally die if he doesn’t make the top 12. Well, he won’t make it.
TAYLOR VAIFANUA The 16/17-yr old quota has already been filled by Allison Iraheta. “If I Ain’t Got You” has been done so many times, and I yawn everytime. Hers was no different. My yawn was more melodic. She may as well have sung a guy-group song.
ALEX WAGNER-TRUGMAN We all know dorky guys like this — a skittish super-nerd with a talent unbefitting his skittish super-nerdiness, and makes you cringe whenever he speaks, dances, or walks across a room. In singing his dowdy Elton John song, the black woman within Von Smith apparently came out thru Alex Wagner-Trugman. All that growling and guttural showiness, he may as well have done “And I am Telling You…” Laughable and embarrassing. His life is over.
ARIANNA AFSAR I admire the ABBA song choice, and I was excited. I wanted to like this so much because it’s my favorite ABBA song, but it was a tortured mess. I would love to see someone more capable do this song.
JUNOT JOYNER I would’ve liked his delicate “Delilah,” if every other person hadn’t sung this during Hollywood. He should’ve sung Jodeci’s “Lately.”
KRISTEN MCNAMARA I liked her. Hated her song “Gimme One Reason” (Jordin Sparks also sang this at the same point in the competition) though. But Kristen made the song better than it was. Her stage presence and voice are confident and unwavering, which is a lot more than most other people’s. I feel like Kristen can sing anything, so she should totally attempt the Mariah, Leona, Celine songs.
NATHANIEL MARSHALL We all know gay guys like this — a tortured but showy queen that lives and dies by self-created drama…. that you sometimes wanna slap. The Meatloaf song he chose is manic, and he actually did an ok job mimicking the mania. But the bottom line is, America will be scared of him.
FELICIA BARTON Her Nelly Furtado look was thrilling to look at, and her vocals were thrilling to hear. She chose an awesome Alicia song “No One,” I would love to see her advance. She’s my dark horse of this group. She won’t make it now, but I hope they consider her for the wild card round.
SCOTT MACINTYRE I winced throughout the judging of the blind guy: RANDY: “Everytime I SEE you sing and hear you sing…” KARA: “I want America to SEE you play and sing, because that’s when they’re really gonna SEE Scott.” SIMON: “You’re starting to believe in yourself. I didn’t SEE that when you first came in. But in a SEA of forgettable people tonight, you’re really the one I’m gonna remember.” Although nothing was more cringe-worthy than Ryan high-five’ing him.
KENDALL BEARD Who? Next.
JORGE NUNEZ I was prepared to not like him even before he sang. But then he sang. He belted. And it was good. The sun shouldn’t go down on him.
LIL ROUNDS The top 12 can’t be without a strong black woman. No it won’t be Von Smith; it’ll be Lil Rounds. She’s a female version of Fantasia, and could get pretty far in the competition.
SO WHO’S IS MAKING IT TO TOP 12? 1). Lil Rounds for sure. 2). Jorge Nunez who had the best vocal of the guys. 3). Scott MacIntyre will get the sympathy vote from corny-ass America. (although I’d rather SEE Felicia Barton or Kristen McNamara go thru instead).
10 THINGS THAT GOT ME THRU FEBRUARY I’ll be the first to admit that February was not the easiest month to endure. Unrelenting winter blues, sub-arctic temps, post-Presidential excitement lull, continued economic hell-in-a-handbasket, Rihanna & Chris Brown, Bernie Madoff, Octo-mom, ChristiaNaomi CampBale, and hardly any new “Gossip Girls.” Craziness all around! Well, I still managed to pull together a list of goodies that guided me thru the month — some you share, some you don’t, and some that are too hot to handle. I’ve discovered it’s a therapeutic approach to life, doing it one month –and 10 good things– at a time. Onwith!
10). STREET FIGHTER IV FOR PS3 My childhood arcade favorite never seems to go away. My brother, cousin and I spent millions of hours and quarters on SF2 in our teen years, and now it’s back with a ramped up new edition for 2009. Playing at my brother’s house on PS3, we’ve been relishing the classic Capcom game all over again, with new characters, new mysteries to unlock, and robust new graphics. The result: boyish victory glee, adult agony of defeat, and thumbs rubbed raw. And to keep things gay, I’m still hopelessly devoted to using Chun-Li. That upside-down helicopter kick is still ferocious!
9). LOST Whenever I gush about “Lost” to someone who never
watches it, I always immediately regret doing so. Not because they
respond with that annoying “What’s it about?” bullshit, but because I feel sorry for them that
they never discovered one of television’s most brilliant, mysterious,
nuanced, thrilling shows. “Lost” is a full-time emotional and cerebral
investment. I’ve watched every episode and tried to follow everything
as clearly as I can….yet I still can’t have a coherent conversation
about it with anyone. This season, it’s fifth and penultimate (next
season it ends), the plot truly does thicken as the Oceanic Six
actually return to the island to save those they left behind. The
events are unfolding quicker than ever, past mysteries are starting to
make sense(ish) now, and the journey continues to be just as thrilling
as whatever the destination may be.
8). ST. IVES SWISS VANILLA LOTION I go thru body lotion like Paula Deen goes thru butter. I don’t necessarily choose a lotion by brand, price, or effectiveness. I choose by scent. And my absolute favorite is VANILLA. Those fuckers at Suave discontinued by vanilla flavor twice, and now St. Ives is all I have. I smooth it on, head to toe, after each evening’s shower, and several times a day on my hands and face. The cool creamy consistency is like smearing vanilla pudding or custard cream on your skin. The best thing about it is, when the vanilla reacts with your body chemistry, you smell like fresh baked cookies right from the oven. Now you know the secret to my irresistibility.
7). THE BOYS OF IDOL Danny Gokey. Adam Lambert. Kris Allen.
Half of the Top 12 are in place, and as far as I’m concerned, there’s
no need to fill the other half. Danny shined with “Hero” in an
otherwise atrocious week for 11 others, proving that
guys-singing-Mariah equals Idol gold. Adam Lambert proved he can sing
anything and can easily go the Chris Daughtry route of not needing to
win to succeed. And Kris Allen, well, he’s vital eye candy for the
next several months, I hope. One of these guys (Danny or Adam) will be the
next Idol. Unless it’s Allison Iraheta. (um, or someone else).
6). “MY LIFE WOULD SUCK WITHOUT YOU” First things first: our lives would
suck without Kelly Clarkson. Her last CD netted one meager single
“Never Again” in 2007, which barely made a dent on the charts and in
our hearts (and thereby allowing Carrie Underwood and Chris Daughtry to surpass
her as Idol’s biggest successes). Now she’s back in a huge way with
another instant love anthem. “My Life Would Suck Without You” has the
infectious girl-rock hooks of “Since U Been Gone” and the feel-good girlish optimism of
“Breakaway.” If it’s not currently the most played tune on the radio, it shall be. I’m sure of that just as I’m sure it will easily be the #1
song for all of 2009.
5). BRAVO TV *(warning: Top Chef winner is mentioned below, so skip if you haven’t watched yet)* Pop quiz: What is my dream career in life right now? a). Top Chef b). Millionaire Matchmaker c). Real Housewife d). ALL OF THE ABOVE! Clearly
the answer is d)., and clearly I’m halfway there thanks to my devotion
to Bravo’s February triumvirate of tasty/zesty/feisty shows. With TOP
CHEF, my joy is not in who wins in the finale (clearly. Hosea?!), but
rather in the delicious journey. I literally pause, slow-mo, and
rewind as they describe and present the dishes, and I make sure I don’t
miss every detail of each menu, all the dish components, and all foodie
terms like sous-vide, gastrique, and pot de creme. Patti Stanger
lights the MILLIONAIRE MATCHMAKER on fi-ah with her vicious jabs at
slutty women, asshole men, and sometimes, her own staff. I live for
incendiary Patti-speak! She’s a matchmaking nazi with a heart of
gold. And even the worst of the REAL HOUSEWIVES series, OC, was
watchable, thanks to the Gretchen/Tamra/Vicki hatelationship. And now
the NY Housewives are hitting it out of the park right from the
get-go. Like Bethenny said about getting Alex’s cold shoulder: “I
laughed, I cried, it was better than ‘Cats,’ I’m outta here.” March
is gonna be REAL kakakiller!!!
4). SUSHI ROLLS For years growing up my mom made her own sushi rolls. For years she’s been buying me sushi wrappers, and I keep giving them back to her. Then one day I watched Giada DiLaurentiis do an episode wrapping sushi, and I thought, if that culinary princess can do it, then so can this (wanna-be) culinary princess! And so I did. I roll mine with scrambled egg, cucumber, crabstick, and avocado. It’s satisfying to make, and so fresh and refreshing to eat. I haven’t perfected my technique yet, so I do get the occasional ripped wrapper, ingredients busting out the sides, and butchered cutting job. But I just eat my mistakes. If only we could eat all of life’s mistakes.
3). BAREFOOT CONTESSA I’ve ditched every show on the Food
Network except for one. Rachael Ray, Bobby Flay….go away. Barefoot
Contessa is all I need to tantalize my taste buds and instill cooking
confidence in me. Ina Garten consistently wows with her impeccable
taste, effortless technique, and relatable regality. The opening theme
song makes me giddy every time because I know I’m in for some critical
Back to Basics lessons (making pie crust, making vinaigrette, roasting chicken), French flair by way of the Hamptons, and the urge to recreate
everything she makes. After every episode, I go to www.foodtv.com to
search and bookmark her recipes. On my queue are: Bay scallop gratin, Portabello mushroom lasagne, Oven-fried chicken, Ribollita soup, and Eggplant gratin.
2). SHOWDOWN AT THE OSCARS As glitzy and wholesome at this year’s
Oscars were, it was pretty damn boring without a snarky host and
celeb-slamming comedy. (Would someone please book Tina Fey or Ben
Stiller for next year?). THANK GOD THEN for the mega-celeb face-off
that has been 4 years in the making: THE JENN/BRANGELINA SHOWDOWN!
The set up: Brad and Angelina, both nominated at the same time and
would no doubt show up; Jenn out to prove she can conquer emotional
stability following her year end box-office conquering with “Marley
& Me.” They would be sitting front and center in the audience;
She would come out on stage confident and uncaring. WRONG! Firstly,
pairing Jenn up with Jack Black was laughable and tragic. What, was
Danny Devito not available? Jenn could’ve saved face by requesting the
arm of Daniel Craig. But nothing could save her from her dour stage
demeanor, tepid joke delivery, and that awful un-Rachel hair with the dykey braid. When the
camera gave us Brangelina, looking resplendent and gracious in the
audience, it was a TKO for J.Aniston. The glare from Angelina’s
emeralds could not hide Jenn’s glare from the stage. The occasion was
too big for her, and she crumbled silently. It was heart-wrenching
(and thrilling!!!) to watch. I love this shit!
(BONUS: The other saving grace of Oscar nite was where and with whom we spent it: with our friends Bob & Todd at their apt. They hosted us and cooked a beautiful vietnamese meal of mango salad and ginger chicken, and a blueberry pie a la mode dessert. Gorgeous to look at and devour. Thanks again my dears!)
1). FRIDAY FROLICS WITH MY BFF February is the month that I finally
reconnected with my BFF, Linda, in a major way: face to face, slap to slap, plate to
plate, cackle to cackle. We spent a few months tending to big personal
life/lifestyle/family/career/age changes. And at last, it was time to hook
up again to compare notes on our lives in our early 30′s. What we
concluded is: our 20′s were all about play; our 30′s are making us pay. But we have relevant perspective on our lives now, and we can still have a little fun! Our Friday gettogethers are instant classics: lobster-roll lunch at FRED’S AT BARNEYS NEW YORK and marvelous Indian at CHOLA, shopping, Tasti-D-Lite, “Confessions of a Shopaholic,” and just plain gallivanting around Manhattan while everyone else is dying at work on a Friday. We discuss/review/evaluate everything happening in our lives, with our friends and families, in the news, in television, in Hollywood and the tabloids, and on Facebook (where a lot of shit goes down). We fill our time with as much cackling and frolic as possible without breaking the law. Fridays just became all kinds of fierce! (Chola on 58th bet. 2nd & 3rd Ave, where Gossip Girl often spots J & L)
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * BONUS: THINGS I HATED IN FEB 3). “Heroes.” If they canceled this show now, I wouldn’t be very upset. I want to still love it, but they’re making it very hard to. 2). Bailout/Stimulus. If I never hear these words again, it’ll be too soon. 1). Octo-mom. Just octo-go-away already.
It’s week 2 of the voting rounds, and the next 12 get their chance to make us love them. This round is all about first impressions. It’s their first real chance to make or change our perceptions of them — perceptions based on tv editing and mere snippets of their singing. This is why SONG CHOICE is so incredibly crucial at this stage. The easiest way to make us believe who they are is to pick songs that don’t shout IDENTITY CRISIS. Unfortunately, just as with last week, identity crises abound this week.
JASMINE MURRAY A black girl singing a VERY white girl song. Her “Love Song” was a travesty. And it’s a shame because she’s a cute girl, with Brandy/Ashanti looks. Should’ve sung Brandy’s “Have You Ever,” or even Beyonce “If I Were A Boy.”
MATT GIRAUD I cringed from beginning to end. Singing “Viva La Vida”….a choice so crazy and suicidal, he may as well have chosen “Viva La Vida Loca.” His voice was weak and shrill. Should’ve sung anything by Justin Timberlake, another weak and shrill voice, but loaded with style and soul.
JEANINE VAILES A black girl wanting to be a white guy group. She looks like Destiny’s Child but she sings Maroon 5? Terrible! Should’ve sang Beyonce “Irreplacable.” She has no chance.
NICK MITCHELL Identity-crisis-on-wheels did his signature strong black woman song, although….I think he could’ve done something interesting with “Viva La Vida.” VotefortheWorst.com is salivating over Nick making the top 12. I’d say there’s no chance in hell of that happening. Yes, we know underneath that freak show is an actual good voice. But at this point, enough already.
ALLISON IRAHETA My ears always perk up when I hear “Alone.” Her performance turned into like a crazy tiger attack — all that thrashing around and red hair like blood splatter. But that’s a good thing…because it wasn’t boring! It was exhilirating to see a new Kelly Clarkson emerging. Her powerful voice excites me. The top 12 would suck without her.
KRIS ALLEN Cute white guy thinking he’s a black guy from the 80′s (who later became a white girl-guy and then a ghoul with no nose). This is honestly the first time I recall seeing him sing. He’s quite good. He looks like a cross between John Stamos and Enrique Iglesias. I would’ve chosen for him to sing Enrique’s “Escape” (a song, btw, which Kara DioGuardi wrote! No joke).
MEGAN CORKREY Her scary puppet bodily movements (and full arm tattoos) made me cringe. I hated the song choice. I think “Put Your Records On” is such a weak ass jump-roping song, but she did more with it than I could ever expect. Her voice is unique and confident, and I’m intrigued. I’m having trouble picking an ideal song for her, but that’s kinda good because I can’t quite figure her out yet.
MATT BREITZKE His Tonic song “If You Could Only See” is not a song fans can rally around, no matter how well he sung it. He should’ve sung something more soulful and Motown like “Stand By Me” or “My Girl.” I hated his attitude while being judged. He seems like an angry person.
JESSE LANGSETH I was excited by her choice of “Bette Davis Eyes,” but not so by her execution. Gwyneth Paltrow actually did a much better job karaoke’ing this in “Duets.” And her face makes me uncomfortable because frankly, she reminds me of that poor deformed creature in the 80′s Cher movie “Mask.”
KAI KALAMA Safe, boring, forgettable. Unfortunately I can’t forget how terrible his hair is. I’d respect him more had he done a complete image makeover — short hair, shaved face, teeth whitening — and gone the Jason Castro route with something islandy or reggae. His song was tired and uninspired, and I’m not even wasting my energy coming up with a hypothetical perfect song for him. He’s so done.
MISHAVONNA HENSON White girl trying to be a guy band. “Drops of Jupiter”…wtf?! That song takes 5 minutes to rev up and achieve some semblance of recognizability, and all they get is 90 seconds. For her, I would’ve chosen Katy Perry. She could’ve benefited from some “Hot N Cold.”
ADAM LAMBERT I love this guy, from the moment he auditioned to his Cher “Believe” in Hollywood. Didn’t love the song he chose now, but he’s such a seasoned pro with such exciting rock star looks and rock star poise and confidence. I would’ve loved loved loved to hear him sing one of my favorite punk rocker songs: Billy Idol “Eyes Without a Face.” I can already see my dream match-up for the Idol finale in May: Adam Lambert VS. Danny Gokey.
SO WHO’S IS MAKING IT TO TOP 12? Adam Lambert, Allison Iraheta, Megan Corkrey. There, I said it.
I have this feeling in my gut that Oscar nite’s biggest surprise is gonna be one big upset. And by upset, I mean: not the movie with the most noms (“Benjamin Button”); and not the movie with the most buzz and awards season wins (“Slumdog”). That’s right folks. I’m thinking “MILK” will steal the nite’s biggest plate of cookies, and here are my reasons, theories, and rationalizations:
- Having seen all the Best Pictures noms (except “The Reader”) I can, with a clear conscience, declare that “Milk” was my favorite. And in my humble opinion, the best. It was everything a best picture ought to be: dramatic, historic, empowering, moving, awesome ensemble acting, known actors in transformative roles, a heart-wrenching death, and above all, important and relevant.
- “Slumdog” was perfectly fine and entertaining, but I didn’t see it on the big screen (rather, via a “Property of Fox Searchlight” disc), so I didn’t receive the full cinematic effect. But I got the gist. For me, it’s not the unparalleled golden goose I was expecting. I personally relate to a 1970′s equal rights activist more than to an indian street urchin in love with a girl and winning big on a game show. But that’s just me.
- “Benjamin Button” was a handsome picture for sure, but lacked that overwhelming reaction I expect from a best picture. The old-lady-dying-in-the-hospital-telling-story gimmick is so annoying to me, and Cate Blanchett’s character is not all that likable for most of the movie. Brad was fine, but no one’s showering any best actor awards on him. And so many times in the movie I wanted to see the BIG scene…where a confession/revelation/devastation truly stops the heart, but there was none of that. The whole movie seemed to be on valium for me.
- So “Milk” was the only one I left the theater feeling truly at peace with — at peace with the acting, directing, writing, and overall impact.
- Yes, “Benjamin Button” has the most Oscars noms, but that doesn’t really mean much these days. It’ll win technical awards for sure.
- Yes, “Slumdog” has been cleaning up award after award, including the Globes, SAG, Critic’s Choice, BAFTA….
….BUT…..
- the Globes win doesn’t really mean much because the Hollywood foreign press is partial to anything that’s unexpected and international.
- the SAG win was for Best Acting Ensemble. The award was also won by the casts of “The Full Monty” and “Little Miss Sunshine.” pffft.
- Oscar voters are about 6,000 actors, directors, writers,
producers, etc. Americans mostly, working in and around the Hollywood system. They prefer to reward an American film, to ensure them future work and future recognition, to feed their own species. This was a topic of debate the year Gwyneth “Shakespeare in Love” Paltrow stole the Best Actress from Cate “Elizabeth” Blanchett. Film critics rationalized that a win for Gwyneth is an investment in the young American actress and Hollywood stardom, over a relative British unknown. (Of course, that theory would be refuted last year with Marion Cotillard’s Best Actress). I just don’t see Oscar voters overwhelmingly awarding “Slumdog”, a movie that could just as easily have been subtitled and been the golden Best Foreign Language Film entry. As with any influential/powerful group, the basic politics are present. Holly won’t be Bolly woo’d that easily.
- It’s a post-Proposition-8 Hollywood/California/country. There is anger and indignation over the issue, and gay is on everyone’s mind. Gay is in everyone’s lives, esp the lives of these creative types casting the votes. They need only look around their everyday lives to see the rainbow (if not at themselves): their stylists, publicists, agents, brothers, sisters, children, or if you’re Katie Holmes or Sarah Jessica Parker,….their husbands. Gay is golden, and a vote for an award can also be a vote for what they stand for and believe in (or so I hope).
- “Milk” will be the Hollywood atonement for letting “Brokeback Mountain” lose to “Crash.”
So, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. If by the end of the show, I’m horribly wrong and “Slumdog” does indeed win the big prize (or worse….”Benjamin Button” does), then I’ll be humbled and bit disheartened. And this entry will have been deleted to hide my prediction shame, without any evidence of my ever having posted it.
Feast your eyes on these beauties, beasts! This plate of (tooth)deca(y)dence awaited me on Valentine’s nite.
The truly scandalous part is that these didn’t come from some
refrigerated display case at some frou-frou chocolaterie. No, these
were made in my own kitchen by my own amazing hubbydoo, with bags of
Ghirardelli dark and white choco chips. And the result: BEST I’VE EVER HAD!
bubbyMichael’s five-cheese lasagne wasn’t so bad either. Homemade lasagne is the one dish that I insist on having leftovers of because it just gets better the next day.
Valentine’s nite out at some expensive restaurant with the rest of the cliched cattle? In THIS cesspool economy? As if.
On Facebook, everyone’s playing along with the List-25-Random-Things-About-Yourself exercise. I got inspired to do my own after reading those of many friends and truly enjoying them. (And it makes for an instant xanga entry, so it’s doubly worthwhile). Doing this made me learn a bit more about myself, and how I present myself to others. While I tried to scale back the snarkiness, some of it has inevitably seeped thru. Deal with it. Now read it:
1. I overuse commas, …and ellipses in my writing. (And I talk in parentheses too much).
2. I hate talking on the phone. More than a minute on the phone is excruciating to me. Best to just email/text/facebook me.
3. I have a navel ring (a good incentive to keep the stomach flat)
which I got 10 years ago. After the piercing was done, I left the
parlour and the needle-fear nausea quickly caught up to me, and I
blacked out and fainted on St. Mark’s Place. I woke up with my cheek on
the sidewalk, with 3 japanese tourists pointing at me. I got up and
went into a store to get a Snapple to raise blood sugar. I fainted
again in the store! I completely dropped to the floor….and the
cashier sat me down and fed me the Snapple. I also have a tattoo…a
scorpion on my shoulder blade. No fainting there.
4. I’m pretty good at reading people, and can tell right away what
they’re all about. Because of this, I’m ambivalent towards most new
people I meet. But I love when my impressions are proven wrong and I
can click with the right person in an instant.
5. I walk super fast. No matter where I’m going, I walk like I’m late
and I zig-zag thru the NYC streets like a gazelle. I have no patience
for slow walkers or sidewalk hogs or diagonal walkers who walk right
towards you for no apparent reason. I bypass them with a quickness and
get on with my life.
6. I once ate 7 slices of cake/pie/ice cream cake at a party because
the hostess didn’t want leftovers. If you don’t believe me, I have
witnesses (who had looks of horror).
7. True story: After being enthralled by the movie “Coyote Ugly” in
2001, I enrolled in bartending school. After graduating, I moonlighted
as a weekend bartender for a year at a gay piano bar called Pegasus.
That’s where I met my hubby Michael almost 8 years ago. All thanks to
“Coyote Ugly.” You can’t fight the moonlight, y’all.
8. My smile has gotten me out of trouble quite a bit when I was
younger. But in my mature days, it’s gotten me into all kinds of
trouble because it hides what lies beneath. To avoid any further
confusion, I’m currently working on my scowl.
9. My skincare regimen consists primarily of Noxzema and Clearasil. No, not back in 1993….in 2009.
10. I hate making small-talk with people. I’m not good at it, and it’s
a waste of time for me. I’d rather stand in silence in an elevator and
stare at the floor. If someone tries to strike a convo with: “It’s
gettin cold out there”, I’ll be thinking: duh, it’s January, what’s
your point?? But I’ll just nod and fake a smile. Unless I’m
drinking…I’ll talk to anyone about anything.
11. Relatedly, strangers in elevators always tell me “You look like
that asian dude from ‘Oz’ and ‘Law & Order.’” To which I roll my
eyes and reply: “Yes, I know….BD Wong….everyone tells me that. I
don’t think so, but whatever.” ugh. I guess it’s a step up from the
usual “You look like Short-round from Indiana Jones.”
12. Some people tend to lose things, some people spill things. I break
things…A LOT, especially while washing and putting away dishes. I get
upset, but then I think about shopping for new stuff at Crate &
Barrel and I feel better.
13. I have the softest hands. I lotion every single day, head to toe,
since I was a child when I started playing with mom’s Ponds and
Clinique lotions. But it’ll still hurt when I slap you.
14. I am absolutely addicted to watching tennis. The 4 grand slam
tournaments — I watch hundreds of hours of tennis. It’s my one
lingering straight gene.
15. I’ve been writing on my blog since 2003. I’ve put my life and
thoughts out there for the public to read, and I do my best to be
relevant, entertaining and real. I’ve garnered 99% positive feedback
and hundreds of adoring fans over the years. That 1% negative, they can
all suck it.
16. My favorite celeb/entertainer is Mariah Carey. My close friends
know this and they still tolerate me anyway. I’m aware she turns off
many people, but she’s my ultimate diva goddess. I’ve followed her
career since 1990 and her music is my lifeblood. I’ve been to 5 of her
concerts, know every song, and get upset when her songs don’t hit #1.
17. I can now admit that I’m a GREAT cook. Not creative-genius ‘Top
Chef’ great, more like stay-at-home-mom great. I’ll browse the fridge
and pantry and whip up a complete meal with what I have. I truly love
to eat, love to feed, love food shopping, love to obsess over a recipe,
love to plan a menu, love to create a great plate.
18. I have the worst neck phobia. When I see a throat getting slashed
in a movie, I have to look away and I writhe in my seat. If someone
hugs me and their shoulder hits my neck, I’ll jump back 5 feet and
scream. If someone from behind touches my neck, my elbow will find
their nose and break it before I know what happened. I once got a fancy
hotel spa facial, I had fallen asleep, the facialist touched my neck
while cleaning my face, I screamed, then she screamed. I apologized a
thousand times and tipped her really well.
19. I’m not as well liked as I thought I was. I can count at least 10
people who I’ve royally pissed off over the years and who now hate my
guts — friends, employers, outright enemies. They can all suck it.
20. Michael and I have 2 kitties, Kittydoo and Wuzzy (real names are
Molli & Wolli, but we never call them that), who are the joys of
our lives. I hate to be one of those crazy pet people, but I am.
21. Every week I visit my family in Queens. We have dinner, and I sleep
over in my old room (replete with stuffed animals and Mariah Carey
poster). I originally did it for my mom’s sake to alleviate my guilt
for moving out years ago, but now I love seeing my family each week and
we always have a chinese feast. I realize I’m very lucky to have my
family close by.
22. I was not gifted with any enviable measure of special talents or
abilities. (Can’t sing, dance, or play an instrument. Not wealthy,
tall, super-smart. Don’t possess financial acumen or career ambition).
But one thing I was blessed with — my crazy metabolism. I weigh 109
lbs now, gaining one lb. a year. I’m not gonna lie….my metabolism IS
the 8th wonder of the world.
23. I sleep with 2 teddy bears, one of whom I’ve had for over 25 years…and I will murder anyone who messes with it.
24. Michael and I “got married” in Vegas in 2003. That’s when and where
Michael gave us our commitment rings, in our Bellagio suite,
overlooking the dancing fountain and Eiffel Tower, with champagne,
choco-strawberries, and roses. It was the best surprise of my life.
Incidentally, “Honeymoon in Vegas” is one of my favorite movies.
25. I’ve decided that my life needs to revolve around food,
flowers/gardening, and/or my own art and writing….and I need to start
on that before my life slips away. My ultimate dream is to open a
bakery/flower/art shop, combining all my greatest passions. And my
staff would consist of only the cutest puppies and kittens and teddy
bears, and Mariah Carey would sing in my shop for free.
BONUS:
My death-row meal would consist of: bacon, egg & cheese on a
toasted buttered poppyseed roll; cinnamon french toast with powdered
sugar and coconut syrup; and a Dunkin Donuts coffee with half&half
and 2 sugars. (… and McDonalds’ fries and Filet-o-Fish; a Burger King
chicken sandwich; one perfectly seared scallop and a lobster tail; and
a perfect crunchy blueberry muffin top).
2009 is well upon us, and January can go either way. In previous years, I’ve fallen into deep January depression where everything feels dangerously dull and gray, and there’s just no excitement in the air and nothing to keep you going. But this year so far, I’m on an uppity swing, thanks largely to the following 10 things. Be forewarned…it’s very TV-centric. So for you tv-phobes, maybe you wanna turn away rather than cast me your disapproving sneers. Everyone else, take notes to salvage your dismal January.
10 THINGS I LOVE IN JANUARY
10) DUNKIN LATTES I never really crave DD’s caffeinated crack until it’s frigid out. Whether it’s gingerbread, pumpkin spice, or just plain latte….one thing is
certain. DD is a latte better than the same at Starbucks any day.
9) MID-SEASON TV It wasn’t more than five years ago that networks realized that January didn’t have to mean tv hibernation and rerun hell. That Jan could be the start of a new compact tv season thru May finales. Hence, mid-season is the new fall season, and it often offers up the more exciting, continuity-reliant, heavyweight fare like 24, LOST, and IDOL. But that’s not all! All my other shows are kickstarting: THE CLOSER, BURN NOTICE, NIP/TUCK, KYLE, MEDIUM. January is the new Sept, and my dvr is working overtime to make ends meet.
8) ‘THE CITY’ Don’t judge me for loving this east coast Hills.
Whitney was always my fave gal on Da Hillz, and finally she gets the
LC treatment with her own city of opportunities, her own super-skinny nemesis
portrayed in a pathetic light (snotty eye-rolling-extraordinaire Olivia), and her own
JustinBobby (Aussie Jay). The show totally romanticizes a city that I’ve grown tired of, and it’s always fun seeing them at places you know (hey, they’re eating at The Smith!).
7) MY HOUSE SLIPPERS My mom is the 99-cent store queen of Manhattan, and nothing gives her greater joy than to find something decent for 99-cents that uppity people are paying $9.99 for elsewhere. Her favorite thing to buy me are house slippers, which I just can’t get enough of. The blue sequined ones are mine; the zebra stripes are hubby’s. We have several back up pairs of the sequined breed, in red, white, and hot pink….for, um, guests.
6) IDOL’S NEW JUDGE When Kara DioGuardi was announced as the new fourth Idol judge, I didn’t give a rat’s ass (aka, Paula’s hair). But now that we’ve seen her in action, the consensus is positive. Kara is the new ‘it’ judge, she’s coherent, not afraid to sing off with a bitch in a bikini, not afraid to talk back to a bitch in a V-neck (Simon), and is just a necessary infusion of fresh & feisty to the show so far. The only downside is, Kara’s feminine beauty only accentuates Paula’s mustache and adam’s apple.
*BONUS* a ‘Hate’ within a ‘Love’: On the flipside, I am so NOT loving TOP CHEF’s new judge. Toby Young is a dour humorless little bald man whose bizarre long-winded analogies and verbal vileness just detracts from the show. At least Gail Simmons gave us girlish giggles over good food and Fabio’s accent. So no love here for him.
5) ORNAMENT TREE Pre-Christmas I found this nifty ornament tree at CB2 (Crate&Barrel’s funky little sister store), carried it home, dug out the ornaments, trimmed the tree, and had not one pine needle to clean up. It was gorgeous with all my shiny balls, and it’s gorgeous post-holidays as just a bare sculpture. My next thought is to put down dozens of recipes on colorful post-its, clip them to the tree, and pluck them off as I make each dish.
4) ‘DAMAGES’ I completely missed season 1 and
didn’t have the time to catch up before Season 2 started this month.
Instead I watched the detailed recap on FX.com, and dove right into the
new episodes. And I am hooked! Both episodes so far have left me
breathless at the end, with a juicy new convoluted plot thickening like
a pool of gushed blood. And I’m salivating over the tv season’s
potentially most vicious girl-feud between Glenn Close and Garcia Gay
Harden.
3) OBAMA BLEND COFFEE Hubby found these super duper Obama Blend K-cups for our Keurig single-cup coffee machine. The brand is Coffee People, and Amazon sells them. But not surprisingly, they are out of stock. We had to wait a while to get our shipment too. And how does it taste?? The Obama Blend is B*r*cking great! We blew thru one box of 24 in about a week, and we have one box left. They better make more fast. Incidentally the, um, McCain Blend is available though.
2) “JUST IMPOLITE” BY PLUSHGUN My favorite song this month is an unknown one that I discovered on ‘The
City’. (Take a quick listen, posted on my left sidebar). The scene in the second episode where Whitney is sitting at
Cafe Noir, waiting for her Aussie JustinBobby to show up. They only
played a few seconds of it, and it was enough to get me all
investigative via Google and Limewire. And now, I’ve made it my
ring-tone. So call me and the song will play: (917) 855-AS-IF. I
know…that’s just impolite.
1) ’24′ The BEST SHOW on tv is finally back, and all is right with the world. Well, not in the crazy ’24′ world. But that world also has Jack Bauer, as does my world. By now we’ve all had a chance to watch the heartstopping first 4 hours (but I haven’t watched this week’s yet), and we can all agree….OMGWOWTFYAY. The Jack vs. Tony plot was exciting and sexy while it lasted, and when that sexcitement came to a halt, we were unexpectedly treated to tv’s potentially best geek-girl-feud ever between Chloe and Janis. Bestill my encrypted fire-walled heart! Even I can admit the previous season of ’24′ was one of its worst. But the extended hiatus has done the show much good because it’s now shaping up to be the best ever with characters and conspiracies so rich and twisted. Maybe “Heroes” should take a year or two off, or just unleash Jack on Sylar. Indestructible badass VS. indestructible badass.
*BONUS* A special “love-love-love” mention for the latest episode of DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES, in which Beau Bridges plays Wisteria Lane’s beloved handyman who suddenly dies, and all the wives flashback to a special emotional memory involving the handyman. I was close to tears during every flashback. What could easily have been a throwaway episode that does nothing to further storylines, was actually one of its best ever!
And so the new year begins. And there’s gotta be a first new entry of the year. Here’s how I rang it in…
With champagne, naturally.
With a feast that hubby and I cooked up, naturally.
We kept things simple by doing a few tried and true dishes that always please: Baked chicken with caramelized onions in a mascarpone/white wine/tarragon sauce; Ziti pasta with spicy Italian sausage and roasted fennel & broccoli; French’s fried-onions encrusted baked shrimp; Ratatouille.
With good friends who helped you get thru a skankass year.
With vanity poses.
With dear friends Phyllis & Steven, Gary & Aaron, Bob & Todd, Ben & Patrick, and Gloria & Tim. Just 12 of us. I kept it small so as to enjoy my own party rather than be hostess slave. I learned my lesson after previous years’ parties where I invited everyone who would come, no matter how irrelevant and boarish.
At 11:30pm, I was ordered to prepare the champagne for the midnight toast. Nobody wanted a repeat of last year, when at 11:58pm I freaked out and forgot to pour the champagne, and I PAUSED the ball-dropping countdown on Tivo until I was able to open/pour/pass around the champagne. I had a dozen people YELLING at me “You can’t do that! You can’t PAUSE the new year!!!” Well I did, I paused it, I delayed it a couple minutes. And look how 2008 turned out. This year I did not make the same heinous mistake. At midnight, each couple got their midnight smooches from their honeys, we toasted a brand new year, and hugged out our dear friendships.
Then Bob & Todd presented us with a surprise gift for each couple….these awesome hand-painted nameplates on canvas. Todd had them done by an artist friend in Vietnam. They are SO COOL and so special. Who doesn’t love personalized gifts??
After everyone left, we still had 2 open bottles of champagne that were kinda half-full. I didn’t have the heart to pour them out, so I stayed up for 2 extra hours finishing them and reflecting on a successful enjoyable party. A party that this hostess cupcake was quite pleased with. Let 2009 roll on…
It’s time once again to close out the year on a blog high. It’s my favorite entry of the year and I work tirelessly to capture everything relevant this year in the news & celebuniverse, trends & atrocities, my own life & our collective existence. It’s my form of closure and it’s the only way I can move on to ’09. So without further delay, can we please read on, put a lid on this year, and try not to F up the next?
Best Blast From the Past RETURN OF “SEX AND THE CITY” TO OUR LIVES. Girls and gays everywhere dreamed of this prodigious event ever since a part of us died in 2004. Carrie, Miranda, Char & Sam re-entered our lives in a (Mr.) Big way this year, filling a void of mature fabulocity that no other entertainment entity could effectively emulate. And not only was the movie quite good, but a sequel is in the works!
Worst Blast From the Past RETURN OF NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK. I really didn’t need this. I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t believe in this. No gay I know gets giddy for NKOTB; only 35-year-old moms who lost their virginity at 16 to “I’ll Be Loving You Forever” in their parents’ Long Island basement rec rooms.
Best Celeb Resilience JENN ANISTON. Forever the sad girl dumped by Brad and shat on by Angelina. Jenn has had up and down years, and it seems this year she finally stepped out of the tabloid shadow and declared herself a hot commodity once again. Her end of the year acting success and media exposure were formidable: in comedies (Marley & Me, 30 Rock), on talk shows (Oprah, The View), on magazine covers (GQ, Vogue, Entertainment Weekly, NY Times Mag) looking all kinds of hot. If only she could hook herself up with a quality hottie like Ryan Gosling or now-single Clooney.
Worst Celeb Resilience LINDSAY. I’m too disinterested to type her last name. Her only non-tabloid appearance this year, in “Ugly Betty”, was entirely forgettable and not the comedic comeback that Britney achieved in “How I Met Your Mother”.
Best Diversion FACEBOOK.
Status updates, wall-writing, friend requesting, photo tagging, old
classmate searching, ex stalking, SCRABULOUS. Like you didn’t do
all these things, all day every day?!! (wait, is it just me?) I think we’ve all grown to stop hating the new facebook format, and we’re doing less corny stuff like poking, hugging, and tending to our lil green patch gardens and aquariums. Facewhore’ing on….
Worst Diversion FACEBOOK.
Before FB, I used to blog a lot more. I used to email people. I used to write letters. I used to call people. I used to see friends in person. I used
to not know (or care) that Jo is craving a turkey sandwich right now, Janice needs a nap, Alex has a wicked hangover, or Lucy has 56 friends in common with me. I used to wonder what some of my
friends were doing, who their friends were, what well-photographed parties they threw that they didn’t invite me to. But now I know everything. EVERY LITTLE THING.
Best YouTube Nonsense CHARLIE CANDY MOUNTAIN. Like a magical leopluradon, this video captured my nonsensical giggles. Isn’t that right, Charlie? Charrrrrlieeee.
Best New Hottie GABRIEL
MACHT, as “The Spirit”. He’s totally my new schoolgirl celeb crush.
Like, for real. Gabriel was great eye candy in a less-than-candy
movie.
Worst Notties JONAS
BROTHERS (or this decade’s Hanson). Until they all shave their heads
and turn 30, there’s nothing to see here. Mmm’bopping on….
Best Return to Relevance SNL. Thanks hugely to Tina Fey, Palin, the election, Amy Poehler, Kristin Wiig, Jason Sudeikis, great hosts (Hugh Laurie, James Franco, Paul Rudd), endless celeb cameos (Justin Timberlake, Queen Latifah, Cameron Diaz), and much more…this season I found myself not missing an episode.
Worst Return to Irrelevance TV WRITERS. They caused such an uproar and ruckus last season, uprooting the progress and endangering the survival of many of our shows. And when things returned to normal, they gave us crappy stories and dialogue such as every iffy episode of “Heroes”, and from what I hear, “Greys” and “Private Practice.”
Best Death ESTELLE GETTY. Picture it: Your living room, reruns on Lifetime, 4 times a day. We loved her like our own Ma and we were all her pussycats. She
lived a long and celebrated life, enveloped in laughter and adoration. If only we could all go out like that.
Worst Death HEATH LEDGER. Like Anna Nicole last year, this death was too soon, too tragic, and too depressing. It started the year on such a down note. The news spread with a wildfire intensity like I’ve never seen before (within 5 mins of the news, I already had 7 IM conversations about it). When anyone dies from an overdose, it’s hard to resolve whether we feel more sadness or disapproval.
Best Accessories A NEW BABY. This was the year that relevant babies finally entered my life (and kickstarted my auntcle duties). My brother & his wife had baby boy Tyler, and my best friend Linda had her little Colin. First time parents, for whom 2008 spawned their greatest gifts. Seeing these dear folks with their dear little ones, it’s hard to recall life before these adorable little bundles of joy joined the party.
Worst Accessories BITTERNESS. Over the years I’ve encountered so many people who wear so much bitterness on their shoulders, and this year was no different. It’s glaringly obvious and ugly, it clashes with every outfit, it ages you like nothing else, it doesn’t photograph well at all, and it’s just plain unstylish. Bitter folks, take a chill pill and get over yourselves. You have your whole lives ahead of you to die sad and alone.
Best First 10 Seconds of a Song COLDPLAY’S
“VIVA LA VIDA” violin-heavy intro is the most infectious, and
now recognizable, opening musical notes/chords/whatever you call it.
Worst First 10 Seconds of a Song PINK’S
“SO WHAT” starts with that horrific “Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na…” that makes me
wanna drive an ice pick into my ear.But so what? According to my bleeding ear, the rest of the song is rather good.
Best Mini Vacay ECCE BED & BREAKFAST in Barryville NY, to where my friends and I escaped for a memorable weekend in August. High up in the NY State Catskills, ECCE B&B offered us impeccable service, decor, views, relaxation, and BREAKFAST. I can not wait to go back!
Worst Permanent Vacay UNEMPLOYMENT. This year was heinous for a lot of people. Getting laid off, downsided, let go, left in the corporate dust. It’s enough to make you wanna give it all up and go sell coconuts on a Hawaiian beach.
Best Scandalous Party Shirt THIS ONE I WORE TO AN XMAS PARTY. My friend Lou hosted a big ‘Naughty & Nice’ xmas party with tons of horny people, and of course, my shirt was an easy target. One gaysian loved it and wanted to know where I got it. And I told the truth: Old Navy. Women’s medium. $10. When I bought it, I intended it as pajama top. When I wore it out, I got more attention than I needed. Tres naugh-tay.
Worst Scandalous Party Shirt MY FRIEND DARWIN’S KILLER CLEAVAGE SHIRT at my 31st birthday party. Sorry my dear….while I adore you, I don’t j’adore this Fabio peekaboob look on anyone. However, he gets points for daring, stirring up the comments, and making my female guests look like nuns.
Best Friendly Feud BEIJING OLYMPICS: US VS. CHINA FOR MEDALS. I believe the US won in total medals (110 to 100) but China won the Gold count (51 to 36). The Summer Olympics, btw, were entirely enjoyable and addictive. From Nastia Liukin and Shawn Johnson in Gymnastics to Phelps to Track & Field and Tennis. Hell I was even glued to the marathon speed-walking competition!And the drop-dead Opening & Closing ceremonies?? Awesomeness! London is shitting the hugest brick in Olympic host history for the next 4 years. Should’ve given 2012 to NYC.
Worst Unfriendly Feud SHARON STONE VS. CHINA. Outraged like many at China’s policy on Tibet, Sharon Stone remarked in May that the devastating China earthquake was perhaps karma, and that came back to bite her in the ass. Sharon Stone should know that you don’t take on the world’s largest Communist power. China retaliated by saying they would ban her from ever filiming in China, but that’s pointless since no one’s hired her to film a movie anywhere in years.
Best New America’s Sweetheart TINA FEY. Sarah Palin was handed to her on a silver platter, as were Emmy wins, “Baby Mama” success, “30 Rock” praise, Amex commercials, and the love of a comedy-starved, election-weary nation.
Worst Old America’s Sweetheart KATHERINE HEIGL. She had such a great year last year, and this year she’s just an afterthought. A mere figment of some secondary character’s delusion. I don’t watch “Grey’s”, but I’m told it’s gone down the crapper. She needs to leave the scrubs and get herself into next year’s “Melrose Place”.
Worst Commercial (it’s a tie) DIRECT TV’s horridly tasteless and horrifically cheesy reenactments of movie scenes, from “T2″ to “Alien” to “National Lampoon’s Vacation”. But the WORST is the “Poltergeist” one featuring the little scary blond girl hocking free HD channels….who DIED. Truly tasteless.
MICROSOFT’S JERRY SEINFELD/BILL GATES DEBACLE. Truly awful and embarrassing. And it cost how many bazillions of ad dollars??
Best Return to TV JOSHUA JACKSON ON “FRINGE”. Cute and cool, and doing a good job on the best new show of the season.
Worst Return to TV 90210.
I gave it a chance and I’ll continue to watch. But damn it’s boring.
90210 is merely a Little J to Gossip Girls’ Blair Waldorf. Even the
Kelly/Brenda reunion was much ado about nothing. Let’s hope next
year’s Melrose redux will be muuuuch better and bitchier. *SLAP*
Best Quotes EVERYTHING THAT CAME OUT OF NENE’S MOUTH ON “REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA”: “Tell her to flush her head down the damn toilet.” “I’m not goin’ pretend to like either one of those bitches. I might forget and elbow the shit out of one of them.” “We goin’ start bidding on this bitch at two dollars….Anybody want a bitch tonight? Anybody want a bitch tonight?” “Close your legs to married men. Close your legs to married men. Close your legs to married men.” “We’ll put her back in her place (*gonk)” “BAM!”
Worst Quotes EVERYTHING THAT CAME OUT OF SARAH PALIN’S MOUTH. From “Russia” to “pitbull” to “maverick this and you betcha that”. Everything that exited the pitbull pig lipstick lesbian soccer mom’s mouth was so bad….they were good!
Best Verdict OJ SENTENCED TO 10 YRS IN PRISON! What did we ever do to deserve this second chance at justice?? You can get away with murder, but getting away with dumbassness….not so fast.
Worst Verdict GOV’T DECISION TO BAIL OUT CORPORATE LOSERS. Banks, insurance giants, automakers…who’s next? Big tobacco??
Best Shameful Newscasting Moment Proliferated by YouTube SUE SIMMONS ON NEW YORK’S NBC4 NEWS. Wait for it….wait for it…..
Now, watch it again…..watch it again.
Worst Shameful Newscasting Moment Proliferated by YouTube WEATHERQUEEN SCARED OF COCKROACH.
Best Use of Footwear BUSH GETTING A SHOE THROWN AT HIS DUMB HEAD
by a Pakistani journalist. No, wait. Two shoes! Get the steppin’
turkey.
Worst Use of Footwear HE MISSED BUSH’S HEAD. Twice. D’oh!
Best New Vocab PRESIDENT. ELECT. OBAMA. Now tsay it with me: President-elect Obama!
Worst New Vocab BAILOUT. FANNIE & FREDDIE. JOE THE PLUMBER. MAVERICK. Now tsay it with me: STFU!
Best on TV (first half of the year) LOST. The Oceanic Six. The island disappearing. All the flash-forwarding. Jack’s beard. The show just keeps getting better. And with only 2 more seasons remaining, it’s going to be a hell of a finish.
Best on TV (second half of the year) GOSSIP GIRLS. Every episode of the fall season was exceptional tv. If you don’t agree, you don’t watch. How do I XOXO GG? Let me count the ways: - The drama, the storylines,
the relationships. Smart writing and good plot decisions all around,
including dissolving the Serena/Dan coupling, Blair & Chuck’s
hate-lationship. I’m even a fan of Nate/Vanessa now. The only sour
note is Serena’s new dud, Aaron. - It’s actually shot in NYC, not some Burbank or Vancouver backlot. It took Ugly Betty 2 seasons in LA before deciding to film in NYC this season, and Dirty Sexy Money only pretends to be NYC. Not since “Sex and the City” has THE city played such a starring role in such a necessary show. - Nate’s body. - Madchen Amick’s guest role as the conniving Duchess Catherine. Would someone please give this woman her own primetime soap?? Can she please be the next Amanda Woodward in next year’s “Melrose”?? - Serena’s hair. - Everything that comes out of Blair’s mouth. - The music, such as Youth Group “What Is a Life”, Deerheart “Breakdown”. - Dorota - Lily and Rufus, the best grown-up love story on TV these days. - Chuck Basstard. Chuck Basshole. Bass out of hell.
Worst on TV LIPSTICK JUNGLE/CASHMERE MAFIA. I gave Mangled Cashlip a chance and they both hugely disappointed. These women were not realistic as friends, or as NYC women. Why is it so hard to create a suitable SATC knock-off? Just hire 2 gay guys to write it, a dyke to dress it, and anyone but Lucy Liu to star in it.
Best Tactic for Staying off the Tabloid Pages PARIS DOING HER “MY NEW BFF” SHOW ON MTV. Since she started this show, I’ve hardly heard a peep about her. No arrests, no accidents, no slapping paparazzi.
Worst Tactic for Staying off the Tabloid Pages LINDSAY GOING LESB. And not just (muff)diving into dykedom, she does it with the most crack-ho looking she-boy, Samantha Ronson.
Best New Marriage MARIAH & NICK. Part of me is relieved MC didn’t marry another Daddy Mottola, and she actually seems to be enjoying Nick Cannon. Another part worries that next year she’ll be….
Worst Divorce MADONNA & GUY RITCHIE. Madonna should know it’s simply bad publicity to divorce in a new album/concert tour year. Britney had the common sense to do all her crazy shit last year, and focus on her comeback this year. Madge could learn a thing or two from Brit. Furthermore, I don’t need “Four Minutes” to tell you that Madonna’s music this year is certainly no “Womanizer”.
Worst Fake Marriage HEIDI & SPENCER. I now pronounce you, douche & douchette.
Best Movie 3). My popular answer: CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON. Brad is gorgeous and sweet. Cate is resplendent. The cinematography is breathtaking. The epic tale of love and mortality unfolds delicately and artfully in David Fincher’s very capable hands. It’s this decade’s “Forrest Gump” with a dash of “English Patient” and a hint of “Great Expectations”. (One helpful tip to enhance your enjoyment: go pee halfway thru it, rather than tapping your feet hoping it ends before your water breaks).
2). My shameful answer: CLOVERFIELD. What can I say….I love destruction of NY movies and I love monsters. And I really really enjoyed this in the theatre.
1). My real answer: MILK. I watched it after I published this entry, and have since gone back to revise my pick. Milk is every bit as powerful and moving as everyone says after watching it. A huge criteria of a best movie to me is if I’m not constantly questioning a director’s direction. I didn’t once do that with this movie. Gus Van Sant did an extraordinary job of well-paced emotional storytelling. Sean Penn as Harvey Milk affects, saddens, moves, empowers and uplifts you. Having seen Brad in “Benjamin Button” and Clint in “Gran Torino”, Sean Penn delivers a far superior performance and deserves the best actor Oscar.
Worst Movie INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF WHO THE HELL CARES. I did not like this at all.
Best TV Surprise REAL
HOUSEWIVES OF …NEW YORK (in the spring), and ATLANTA (in the fall) .
Forget trying to come up with an SATC clone. Bravo’s Real Housewives
series have slipped into those shoes effortlessly. These fake women are the real deal.
Worst TV Surprise ABC’S
MASSACRE CANCELLING of “Pushing Daisies”, “Dirty Sexy Money” and “Eli
Stone” in one fell swoop. That’s crABCzy! You expect this from NBC (Knight Rider, really??),
but not from ABC. It’s been heartbreaking, watching these shows with that awful feeling of finality. Who will fill my Wednesday void
of pie and Karen Darling?
Best Songs
My favorite songs of the year and the reasons why:
10). LENKA “The Show” Because she’s adorable, sweet, and Australian. Ditto the song.
9). KATY PERRY “Hot N Cold” Because
she says “And you PMS
like a bitch, I would know”. (I know guys who PMS like bitches). And
this one is much less annoying than that kissing-girls song.
8). T.I. “Whatever You Like”
Because stacks on deck, Patron on ice…. You grooved drunkenly to this song at some point in ’08, and you don’t
remember.
7). THE KILLERS “Human” Because the Killers consistently try to bring back 80′s new wave in their own hipster way.
6). BRITNEY “Womanizer” Because trailer-trash barbie
actually did it. She came back in a big way, doing it with another
toxic winner. She hit us baby one more time. She’s so lucky, she’s a star.
5). DAVID COOK “Always Be My Baby” Because
when he took the stage on Mariah nite, he owned the nite with a truly
original rendition that should’ve served as his first single.
4). USHER “Love In This Club”
Because it’s a prettycrazysexycoolass song. And don’t you just wanna make love in this club, wherever it is.
3). O.A.R. “Shattered” Because this was the year we all wondered “how many times can I break before I shatter”. I can’t get tired of this song. But how many times can I listen to it before hubby shatters my ipod?
2). MARIAH “I Stay In
Love” Because this was supposed to be her record-shattering 19th #1 single. But the stars didn’t align for that to happen. I’m not sure what
happened to MC this year. The singles released on “E=MC2″ were just as
emancipating, but they just didn’t hit the charts like she usually
does. It’s a letdown for me, being the rabid MC fan I am. It cuts so deep it hurts down to my soul, My friends tell me I ain’t the same no more, We still need each other when we stumble and fall, How we goin’ act like what we had ain’t nothing at all now, Hey what I wanna do is ride shotgun next to you with the top down like we used to, Hit the block proud in the SUV, We both know our heart is breaking, Can we learn from our mistakes, I can’t last one moment alone, Although I know, We said let go but I kept on hanging on, Inside I know it’s over you’re really gone, It’s killing me cause there ain’t nothing that I can do, Baby baby I stay In love with you.
1). JASON MRAZ “I’m Yours” Because the most quietly infectious song of the year is also the most
feel-good one. Adding to it that J.Mraz filmed the video in my beloved
Hawaiian island of Kauai, I instantly fell in love with the song, and
with Mr.AZ all over again. You and I both know he’s the remedy to
hum-drum over-produced pop pieces. And he’s poised to win a Grammy for
Song of the Year.
Worst Songs 3). MADONNA & JT “Four Minutes” We’ve known Madonna for over 25 years, and these are four minutes of her life she should take back. It’s her weakest effort ever.
2). PUSSYCAT DOLLS “When I Grow Up” This garbage song sounds so shoddily conceived, like some recording genius said “hey let’s write a song title that some stupid ass show like ‘America’s Next Top Model’ will eat up like coffee & cigarettes and get some slut-sista group to record it!”
1). DANITY KANE “Damaged” Who the frak are DK and why do I care? I don’t.
Best Baby Behavior SHAMELESS
BABY BRAGGING, OF YOUR OWN BABY. Go on, it’s ok. It’s YOUR baby.
You’re a first-time parent. You have every right and obligation to
show off and brag about the light of your life.
Worst Baby Behavior SHAMELESS
BABY BRAGGING, OF NOT-YOUR-OWN BABY. It’s fine to be a new uncle,
aunt, god-whatever, but when your over-zealousness eclipses that of the
actual parents, you are officially out of control and everyone is rolling their eyes at you.
Worst Impassioned Point of View EVERYTHING THAT CAME OUT OF ELISABETH HASSELBACK’S MOUTH ON “THE VIEW” regarding the election, Prop 8, the war, politics, Joy’s opinions, Whoopi’s outfits. Somewhere, Satan is smiling up on his little minion.
Best Meal DOCK’S OYSTER HOUSE, ATLANTIC CITY.
In April, I had the best meal there for my cousin Jennifer’s 21st
birthday weekend in AC. Dock’s is the Peter Lugers of seafood.
There’s no need to go into obsessive detail about how yummazing it all
was. Just click to enlarge the images and wipe the drool off your
keyboard.
Worst Meal AS IF. ‘Worst Meal’ are 2 words I don’t allow in the same sentence.
Best Drink MY
BLUEBERRY MOJITOS this summer were to die for. Nothing tastes like
summer like fresh muddled blueberries, mint, lime, sugar, tonic, and
rum. Contains 3 daily recommended servings of fruits&vegs, and
loaded with antioxidants!
Worst Drink RUM
& COKE. At a really desperate moment on a really drunken nite when
the open bar was running dry, I asked the bartender for a rum &
coke. I sipped and gagged. Who drinks this?? It truly tastes like
ass.
Best New Friend
I
met so many new people this year and many budding friendships, thanks
to Facebook and various friends’ parties. But as in every other year,
only one individual emerges as my favorite new friend of the year. And
this year it’s TODD, of the Bob & Todd coupling. We met in the
summer and bonded over our alcoholism, the bed & breakfast weekend,
our inner artists, our love of Bob, and how freakishly alike we are.
Best Indication That I’m No Longer Young and Hip I HAVE NO IDEA WHO DEMI LOVATO, SELENA GOMEZ, AND THE CHEETAH GIRLS ARE, and why they exist on this earth.
Worst Indication That I’m No Longer Young and Hip I HAD NO IDEA WHAT “TWILIGHT” WAS until I saw the movie trailer.
Worst Lesson Learned in a Very Tough Year
WITH GREAT BITCHINESS COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY. This year I learned a tough lesson that not everyone responds well to attitude and sass, esp not when they know you only as a sweet nice shiny happy person. It was partly my fault for not showing all sides of me, and so, lesson learned. From now on, to thine own self be true. I’m 31 now, and it’s too late in my life to prance thru life with that deceptive candy coating, when underneath, there’s a whole confection of sugary goodness and spicy madness.
Best Lesson Learned in a Very Tough Year IT’S TIME TO MAKE SOME CHANGES. The economy, the election, housing, jobs, relationships, health,….it was a challenging year for any combination of reasons. Mortgages and rents we couldn’t afford. Deadend paycheck to paycheck jobs. That expensive shopping and restaurant habit. Weight gain, creaking bones, high blood pressure. Another mouth to feed, another life to worry about. Turning 30, turning 45. The shit just seemed to hit the fan, and the news was reminding us of it everyday. More than any other year, the events of 2008 have startled us, scared us, uprooted us, humbled us. And with all that comes the need to change. Changing the way you behave, the way you think, the way you live, the people you surround yourself with. I personally have adopted all these changes this year, and I’ve taken on a new outlook and approach to life. It may not work in the end, but it’s all I’ve got and it’s worth a shot. If at this same time next year I’m writing the Best & Worst of 2009 with the same effort and fervor, then maybe we will have done ok for ourselves in ’09.
Well, boys & girls. That’s my take on 2008, and I’m sticking to it. Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed, and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
