Yesterday as I was leaving work, boss's wife hands me last week's issue of US WEEKLY for my commute home.  I'll take that shit anyday!  Commuting + Tabloid mag = Reason to live.  Whenever I read tabloids, a flood of bitchy thoughts run thru my head, but there's no one around to hear them.  And I wondered....if a bitchy comment falls in a forest and no one's around to hear it, am I still a terrible person?  Anyway, so I had an idea... let's do CELEBITCHERY! 

Eva Longoria's wedding.  Is it just me or did she marry a nobody?  Seriously, who is he?!  (if anyone answers this, you're a fucking loser).  Eva was exceptionally gorgeous on her wedding day, and is deservedly the most talked about bride since Tom Cruise.  But tragically, Eva joins the growing list of hot latina mega-celebs marrying mexican busboys (J.Lo anyone?).  Next, Jessica Alba will marry John Leguizamo.  I give Eva's marriage 2 years and an extra-marital affair by him.

Hilary Duff gets super skinny.  ehhh....makes me uncomfortable.  She was cuter when her face wasn't all skeletal.  She's an eating disorder, an identity crisis, and a snort of cocaine away from being Lindsay Lohan...minus the eating disorder and identity crisis  (a variation on a Kathy Griffin joke about Lindsay!  Only Jennifers in my life will get that -- my cousin Jenn, and Bennifer's brother JEnniFFer.)

The SEX & THE CITY movie.  It begins shooting this fall.  YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  For the first time in my life I have a movie worthy of me camping outside a theatre for months in advance.  Ok, maybe not, but I'll go opening day.  And given my track record with the show's finale, I'll be able to predict everything that happens in the movie.

Jenn Aniston is still single and lonely.  I do feel b(r)ad for her.  It's a pit(t)y the celeb angel(ina) isn't more jol(ie)ly and 'out there' in terms of dating and living an outrageous single & fab life.  She seems awfully sh(iloh)y in public.  I hope she's not still mad(dox) at Brad.  If she's still hung up on the breakup, she may as well pa(x)ck her bags and move to the S(Z)ahara Desert.   And she ain't meeting any cute guys hanging out with the Cox-Arquettes and Brad's mom.  Meanwhile, elsewhere on the FRIENDS front... 

Matthew Perry & Meg Ryan are a couple.  Gross.  Not him, but her.  Something about Meg bugs me.  I mean, what woman in her right mind leaves Dennis Quaid.  Also, have you seen her face lately?  Her ghastly collagen lips are nightmarish.  What's to become of Megghew Perryan??

Nicole Richie, preg.   At pregnancy, it'll be fun watching her double in weight.  And at birth, it'll be like watching a snake regurgitate a guinea pig, but not from the mouth.

No one else is preg.  It seems Hollywood's baby boom has halted.  In the past few years, every Who's-Who (Gwyneth, Heidi, Julia Roberts, Marcia, Gwen, K.Hud, Jenn Garner, Baldney Spears) and Who-the-fuck (Kristy Swanson, Poppy Montgomery, Mariska Hargitay, Beck's wife, Kim Porter, Tori Spelling) in Hollywood has pez-dispensed a child or three and are now in the boring throes of parenthood.   Now all who's left are only rumored to be pregnant and no one wants to confess (Nicole Richie, Christina Aguilera, J.Lo).  I don't blame them....they totally missed the birthing train.  Pregnancy is SO last season. 

P.diddy splits with baby-mommy, and cozies up to Sienna Miller.  Sienna....RUN!  Actually, on second thought, don't run.  You deserve this.  You've made more headlines with who you date (Jude) rather than with your work.  You are a (gorgeous) loser. 

Kate Moss and Pete Doherty.  I HATE HER.  I've always hated her.  And her dating this putrid pale man-child drug-elf just confirms the fact that I seriously hate her.

Couples I don't absolutely hate (yet):
Jim Carrey & Jenny McCarthy.  Together they're less annoying than as individuals.
Ashlee Simpson & Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy.  It's the new nose...I don't hate her anymore.
Drew Barrymore & Zach Braff.  They're cool.  He's ugly, but they're cool.
Heath Ledger & Michelle Williams.  They're boring Brooklynites, but harmless as a couple.
Reese Witherspoon & Jake Gyllenhaal.  I'd prefer it be Jake & Ryan Phillippe, but ok.

Loose talk:
>> Claire Danes:  "I am a seriously craftsy person.  I'm known for my crafts parties.  I went thru a period of painting underwear.  This was in college, when you do those sorts of things.  I'd just wear it, quietly but proudly."  It's official...Claire Danes is lamest person in Hollywood.

Star pick-up lines:
>> Josh Duhamel to girlfriend Fergie when they first met in 2004:  "You're hot!" (for a man)

>> Michael Douglas, 62, to Catherine Zeta-Jones when they met at a film festival in 1998:  "I want to father your children."   Um, correction..."GRANDfather your children".  

 

LUCKY STRIKE!
No, it's not what I call my 1 or 2 fluke strikes per game...it's the name of the stylish LUCKY STRIKE LANES in the Palisades Mall in West Nyack.  This bowling alley is refreshingly chic (soothing colors, retro decor, uber-loungey), clean (no beer guts, mom-mullets, and grimy children everywhere), and safe (no Hackensack hoodies and gangbangers).  Last weekend we headed there for a few games with Bennifer, P.diddy, Keith, Jeff & Melissa.

 

I invented the Pose & Bowl technique.  Pose for a million dollar photo, Bowl a measly 4 pins at 48 mph.  Geez, my long twiggy arm looks like it's about to snap in half. 

 

P.diddy was a serious contender.  (He was the ONLY contender!)  He got more lucky strikes than all of us combined.  Although at one point, his throw was so quick and violent, HIS arm almost snapped in half. 

 

bubbyMichael gets down really low for his power throws.  His lower back, knees, butt and shoulders would be sore for the next several days.

 

Melissa poses, then bowls.  Missy benefitted from bubbyMichael's bowling tutelage.  Although the blinding from my camera flash didn't help...this particular shot is veering towards gutterville.

 

 Jeff poses, then bowls (also headed for the gutter, thanks to my flash).  Jeff is Bennifer's younger brother.  We shall call him JEnniFFer!

 

Patrick, Keith, Bennifer, Michael at the beer station.  Notice there's no food on the table.  Not because we ate it all, but because THERE WAS NO FOOD!  Sure, there was a huge tantalizing menu with cheese fries, onion rings baskets, chicken fingers, chicken & beef skewers, fried calamari....but did we order any??  NO!  Because we were having dinner soon after.  I was dying.  I was starving and my game suffered.  In the lane next to us was a scared straight couple....with food.  They're SO LUCKY I didn't commit double murder-Tsayicide (kill them and take their food).  The last game went on for soooo long.  I was the bitch who kept calling out to everyone, "it's your turn....hurry up, I'm hungry."  Next time, it will be EAT, POSE, EAT, BOWL, EAT.

All in all, Nintendo Wii has completely ruined both real-live tennis and bowling for me.  Whereas I'm hitting backhand winners in Wii tennis and 5-in-a-row strikes in Wii bowling, in real life I'm hitting weak returns into the net and weak throws into the gutter.  WiiTF?!   (I can't wait to bowl again!)

MiPHONE

You'd think I'd be getting the iPhone, but I'm waiting that one out a bit longer.  You'd be a fool to buy a first generation Apple anything, when 6 months later they'll no doubt come out with a slimmer, sleeker, and perhaps cheaper version with more storage capacity and choice of 4 colors.  Anyhoo, I got this new MOTO MING (or more commonly known as A1200 by sleazy dumbass indian cell store clerks).  It's a gorgeous PDA phone with an awesome 2.0 Megapixel camera, videocam, voice recorder, MP3 player, FM radio, and a shitload of other features.  The more I use it the more I love it.  And the best thing of all....not everyone has it!  (If I see a chinese grandma on the 7-Train whip out this phone and start yapping in loud spitty cantonese, I'll hurl the fucking phone onto the track....uh, the grandma's, not mine).  The PDA/pen thing is fun.  Turns out my pinky finger is the same thickness as the pen, so I mostly use my pinky to work the touch screen. 

I broke down and finally listened to my mom, who had been insisting for years that I'm a fool for not going to Flushing to get my new phone & service.  In Flushing, there are 3 chinese cell shops on every block, each one more eager than the next for your business.  They throw free phones at you like Akon throws his fans off the stage.  Mom escorted me into one store where they showed me all the free phones with a 1-yr contract.  Razr, Rizr, Krazr, Blazr, Tazr....nah.  I wanted something way cooler.  This MotoMing was $75 with a new plan, but mom then bit my my head off for not taking a FREE phone.  I got it anyway despite her mumbling and berating, and my unusual affection for the phone piqued mom's interest, who later said, "hey, if you get a newer phone in a year and don't want this one anymore, give it to me, ok-la?"  kaka.  Ok-la, mom.  That's fine with me...in a year when my contract is up, I'll give mom my Ming, and get myself the iPhone 3.0.  

I also moved away from Cingular to T-Mobile.  Aside from the whole "Cingular is now AT&T again, but will become ACingular&T a year from now" crap that makes me mad, I had practically zero Cingular service in my own house (in Bayonne) for 3 years, which rendered my phone basically useless at home.  T-Mobile works great at home.  And if the iPhone doesn't expand to other services, I won't be getting it AT(&T) ALL.

 

POWERLUNCH @ MAX BRENNER CHOCOLATE...
Full name is Max Brenner Chocolate By The Bald Man, this modern day Wonka's new Union Square eatery was a perfect summer lunch treat for me and my dear cousin Jennifer.  Jenn is on her flight to Disney Orlando as I write (lucky bitch!), but yesterday in the nearly 100-degree heat we had a sizzling lunch at this hotspot.

 

There's a to-go counter with all sorts of chocolate confections (truffles & ganaches galore, chocolate pizza), tantalizing pastries (Belgian waffle with chocolate truffle sauce), sandwiches, every kind of hot chocolate you can imagine...  There's also the restaurant that will make everyone forget the overcrowded existence of Serendipity.

 
 

The food menu is a front & back page, while the desserts menu is a whole booklet.  I can't even begin to describe all the decadent goodies on the dessert menu pages.  We didn't have dessert this time, but we'll make it back here fo' sho'.  Here's what we did eat:
 

We had the super wonderful Proscuitto-Provolone & Roasted Peppers on a French Baguette, and split that.  We also had the Croque Madame Belgian Waffles -- 2 over easy eggs on top of ham and melted gruyere on top of 2 thick belgian waffles.  THIS WAS SO GOOD!  It was a breakfast dream come true!  Next time I'm gonna ask for maple syrup to pour over my waffle/eggs/ham/cheese.

And if all that weren't mindblowing enough for our taste buds, we got these "Yellow Granita" drinks.  We asked what it was and waiter said "like a lemonade slushy with fresh mint."  Sounds nice.  I took a sip and my insides did cartwheels.  It was like a Frozen Mojito!  The mint leaves were ground and blended in with the lemon icy stuff.  I moaned with every sip.  The only thing missing was rum.  The hostess saw us flipping out, and came up to us and went "Aren't those sooo goood???  I have one everyday!"   And SO WILL I.

LINDA'S "SO LONG, ISLAND" OUTDOOR BBQ PARTY

 

On Tuesday I was let out of jail (work) early for the pre-holiday, so I LIRR'd over to Garden City to hang out with L.I.nda.  It was the calm before the party storm, and we lounged on the Pottery Barn loungers in the pristine backyard yakking about all the yaks and cows we know, and contemplated how our lives will change when she moves back to the city next month.  This party was a So Long to the Island ...a Buh-Bye to the 'burbs ...a Cya to country living ...a Sayonara to strip malls and manicured lawns ...a Ciao to commuting ...an Adios to Exit 34.

 

Before anyone arrived, we chowed down on tortilla chips and homemade Salsa and Guacamole in a molcajete.  OMGuacamole!  This shit was so good!  No one does guac like the little mexicana mama in a sari.

 

GRILLinda.  These amazing marinated beef and chicken skewers were the perfect grab and go munchie.  You can hold your beer in one hand, a skewer in the other, and tear the meat off with your mouth like an animal.

 

Saddest of all about Linda leaving the Island is our Cardozo HS babe, Leslie, who lives 5 minutes away.  She's our little Eva Longoria...our pretty little desperate LI housewife. 

 

bubbyMichael made the long trafficky drive out from NJ to LI one last time to this house.  Our ride home later that night would only take 40 mins!

 

Linda's really attractive coworkers and friends.  These animals can drink!

 

TEQUILA!  In the Florida room, we lined up for shots.  When someone said "tequila", I shrieked and ran towards it.  Tequila was my thing years ago when I was bartending.  Maybe it's because I get to look like a cat licking my paws to clean my face. 

 

And the drinking went on and on.  The suburban backyard drinking game of Flip Cup commenced.  The object of the game is to form two teams, each person lined up to chug a shot of beer, then flip their cup over, and continue down the line till everyone's done.  It was Girls VS Guys.  THE GIRLS WON 9 OUT OF 10 TIMES.  The guys all had their balls cut off after the game. It was a rollicking party all night long.  30 people, 100 skewers, 4 batches of guacamole, 1 bottle of Tequila & Grey Goose, 6 bottles of wine, and 100 skewers....ALL GONE.  It was all one huge happy drunken mess by the time everyone left after midnight.

 

One bitch created the mess; the other bitch cleaned it up.  Eh...all in a day. 

 

jasonbasin's GLORIOUS GUIDE TO SUMMER 2007!
Welcome to my third annual summer guide (check out 2006 and 2005 here), instructing you on how to make the best of our blink-and-you'll-miss-it summer.  It wasn't easy sifting thru all the summer selections to make my recommendations because let's face it, there's a crapload of summer junk out there (any movie with Robin Williams in it; chubby gaysians in capris; "So You Think America's Got Talent and Can Dance in Hell's Kitchen with a Pirate Master on a Bingo Night").   But then there are the seasonal gems that evoke nothing but sunny warm summer goodness (that refreshing summer drink; that song on the radio that makes you bristle with delight; jasonbasin's Summer Guides).  There's only 2 summery months left.  Let's make it a fab one, fuckers!

 

TV SHOWS TO GET US THRU SUMMER:
Thank god for basic cable this summer:
1)  Bravo's tasty triumvirate of TOP CHEF, PROJECT RUNWAY & KATHY GRIFFIN D-LIST.  Food, Fashion, and a fiesty fag hag, respectively.  The gayest network on tv also has the best reality shows on tv.  Go fagure.  (EDIT:  just learned that PROJ. RUNWAY is not coming back till Decemberish.  ugh....annoying.)
2)  THE 4400 on USA.   Before "Heroes" there was The 4400.  This X-Men meets X-Files series is compelling summer watching.
3)  THE CLOSER on TNT.  This Law & Order with a southern drawl (Kyra Sedgwick makes me tingle with delight) is the only crime drama that I watch.  Find out why and you'll thank me...you'll thank me very much.

SUB'LIME' BEVERAGE OF THE SUMMER:
bubbyMichael's fresh-squeezed SUB'LIME'ADE.  One of the hubby's specialties starts simply with a bag of limes, and our juicer to squeeze out every little bit of juice and pulp.  In a pitcher with the lime extract, he mixes cold water and lots of sugar.  Stir and voila....a most tartly sweet refreshing summer drink.  I like to sip and savor this out of a wineglass (with vodka).

WORKDAY DIVERSION OF THE SUMMER:
LUNCHES WITH MY COUSIN JENNIFER.  She's home from college with nothing to do, and I'm miserable at work with too much to do.  So it's become our summer thing to meet up regularly for power lunches around Union Square.  We do City Bakery, WitchCraft on 20th Street, Saigon Grill on University Place.  We discuss DisneyWorld, The Starter Wife, and Bravo reality shows over Thai iced teas.  We trash trashy people over warm City Bakery toasted coconut cookies.  So go grab your own cousin Jennifer, and have a splendid summer lunch.   It makes the misery of the workday disappear for an hour or so, and sets you up for a nice late afternoon lunch coma.


TANTALIZING TREAT OF THE SUMMER:
WATERMELON.  That's right....I'm advocating healthy eating.  Some nights after dinner, ice cream is just too heavy.  That's when I dish out a nice bowl of watermelon. Picture it:  it's 10:30pm on a Tuesday night, you just took a long hot shower before bed, and you're so damn thirsty.  You open the fridge and take out the big bowl of cut up watermelon.  You stand at the kitchen counter in just your underwear, eating cold cubes of watermelon with your fingers and say to yourself: is there anything in the world better than watermelon??

SUMMERLICIOUS SONG OF THE SUMMER:
Last year we had Paris Hilton's trashysummerlicious "Stars Are Blind".  This summer's awesome anthem is RIHANNA's "UMBRELLA".  I know a lotta people hate this song, but oh well-ell-ell-eh-eh-eh-eh.... Watch the scorching video:

 

SPORT OF THE SUMMER: 
Summer just isn't summer to me without TENNIS.  The consistent summer bookends of Wimbledon in June and the US Open in August keep me 'dyking on' thru the dismal tv days.  I couldn't gave a rat's ass about men's tennis (YAWN).  It's all about the ladies for me:  screechy Sharapova; dramatic Williams sisters; exciting starlets Jankovic and Ivanovic, dynamic dyke Mauresmo.  Only 2 words can shit all over that enjoyment for me:  Justine Henin.  Oh how I hate her. 

PERSONAL CARE PRODUCT OF THE SUMMER: 
SoftSoap's POMEGRANATE MANGO BODY WASH.  I've been using this for a while now and its luscious fruity scent always evokes summer to me.  The exotic combo of pomegranate and mango is so tantalizing and delicious, I'm considering mixing this with vodka and making it next year's sublime beverage of the summer.

REVERSE SUBURBANIZATION OF THE SUMMER:
As some readers and stalkers know, my best gal Linda left NYC last summer to give the LI suburbs a try.  Well, watch out Manhattan because BITCHY'sBACK!  The wicked witch of the Upper East Side returns next month, in a brand spanking new lush apt, so expect to read here about the continuation of our epic sassy slapovers replete with Indian takeout, Scrabbattles, vodka tonics, and giggles & gossip galore!

TRAGIC TV OF THE SUMMER:
1)  HEY PAULA on Bravo
2)  SCOTT BAIO IS 45 & SINGLE on VH1
3)  pssst...HEY PAULA, SCOTT BAIO IS 45 & SINGLE 

MOVIE OF THE SUMMER:

THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM.  My spidey-sense tells me that after the onslaught of super-hero, super-sequel special effects blockbusters, we'll need to get Bourne again in the best way possible in a cold dark theatre.  We'll starve for some classic effects-free action drama centered around an actual compelling main character.   The Bourne movies have always given us that.  And a long-awaited tense showdown between Matt Damon and Joan Allen makes me tingle.  "Bourne" certainly won't make the most money, but it won't leave you feeling empty and annoyed like so many other movies so far.

PRIDE OF THE SUMMER:
Gay pride is so overrated.  Puerto Rican/Dominican pride is so scary.  This summer I'm all about PATIO PRIDE.  And my patio pride parade is going on all season long.  I planted my hanging flower boxes with the gorgeous flora pictured above.  I also have 2 potted Jasmine plants, a Hibiscus plant that's beginning to flower for the first time.  I have a few healthy looking sunflowers that I grew from seeds, along with some lemon sage and Four O'Clock flowers also grown from seeds.

 

GEEKY TV OF THE SUMMER:
"THE WORLD SERIES OF POP CULTURE" on VH1, premiering July 9th.  Being the pop culture and entertainment geek-junkie, I was addicted to this last season.  At last, my 13 years of subscribing to ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY finally has meaning.

HOTTIES OF THE SUMMER: 
SEXY BALD MEN IN THE MOVIES.  There's just something about Bruce.  There's always been something about Bruce...something that has-beens Kevin Costner, Richard Gere, and Tom Crui(lo)se(r) just can't maintain.  Is it the wry smile, the cocky eyes, the scruffy facial hair?  It's the bald die-hard head!  And is there any comic book hero sexier than the Surfer?  I think not.

ATROCIOUS APPAREL OF THE SUMMER:
Last year was chubby gaysians in capris.  This year, we have FATTIES IN FLIP FLOPS!  Ugh.  I'm all for open-toed footwear on any 65+ degree day, but there are two things I can't stand:  1). That actual irritating 'flip-flop-flip-flop'ing sound of someone lumbering behind me; and 2). When hefty pedestrians in flip-flops can't walk in them.  I have dodged many a waddling clumsy flip-flopper in my daily skedaddles thru the city.  Some are so incompetent in flip-flops that they walk slow, get in my way and sometimes lose their balance and come barreling into me.  AS IF.  Luckily for me, I can deftly swoosh right past them in my open-toed footwear with toned toothpick limbs and show them how it's done.  So to all the incompetent fatties in flip flops:  Do yourselves, your feet, and other pedestrians a huge favor...put on some sneakers and waddle upright. 

SELF-IMPROVEMENT INITIATIVE OF THE SUMMER:
HITTING THE GYM!  Last month Michael and I did the extraordinary recently -- we joined the Forum gym in Bayonne.  Michael does the morning routine a few times a week,  and I do the after-work one.  It's been over a month since joining and I've been going 3 times a week, and I feel great!  I feel much less flabby and achy all the time.  My lethargy  and chronic fatigue have turned into energy and feel-goodness.  We've even reached out to several of our friends who also have gym memberships but never go.  It's all part of my personal campaign for summer self-improvement.  It's critical timing for me, because (gulp)...this is the last summer I'm in my 20's!   It's time to drastically reverse the aging process and achieve the age-defying energetic physique I've always wanted, and maintain the supernatural metabolism that I was warned drastically declines once you hit 30.  WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT!

HAVA HAPPY JULY 4TH!  It's a half day for me today...YAY!  Bye bitches, and don't forget to comment, or risk being my 'Lame Ass of the Summer!'

jasonbasin eats...
* The Wonderful World of Disney * (Part 2: ALL THE FOOD)

So, at Disney we enjoyed some pretty lavish meals.  For us, the restaurants were as much a destination as the rides.  We owe our dining success to the fierce efforts of Bennifer & P.diddy who made all our reservations 6 months to a year in advance.  A good thing too, because these places are so fully booked for months, they make Nobu look empty.  A word of caution: this monster food entree is not for the faint of heart or waistline.  Loosen your belts, grab a napkin, and drool away...

Lavish dinner #1:
CORAL REEF RESTAURANT (The Living Seas, Epcot)

 

 

Ben, Patrick, Keith, Joey (in the flowery skirt), Michael, me, Bob

 

My appetizer: awesome cod-cake (like crabcake).  Bennifer's crab claws, not unlike his real claws.

 

Surf & turf appetizer.  Shrimp cocktail.

 

The Coral Reef restaurant shares its location at Epcot's Living Seas with the new Finding Nemo ride.  Nemo and his friends were all delicious!  Grilled mahi-mahi, and seared tuna.  The portions were sensible and left room for dessert at every meal.

 

Blackened spicy cajun catfish with cheesy grits.  Shrimp & penne in vodka sauce.

 

Raspberry vanilla custard. Upside down molten chocolate cupcake.  At dessert time, forks are flying all across the table as we sample eat other's goodies.

 

Citrus creme brulee... I was so full that I focused on eating just the crunchy brulee'd sugar-shell top.  Bailey's & chocolate mousse...I was so full, but I managed to take this off of Joey's hands.  I was the cleaner-upper of all desserts.

 

Lavish dinner #2:
LE CELLIER STEAKHOUSE (Canada @ Epcot)

 

Nestled under this fake Disney mountain is the very real Canadian steakhouse, Le Cellier. 

 

The dining rooms were an intimate candlelit series of torture-chamber-esque vaulted rooms.  But no torture happens here...unless you count trying to cram dessert into your mouth after huge appetizers and entrees. 

 

We were pants-down....er, hands-down, the most festive table in the place.  We had a delightful gay & straight Canadian brother team of waiters fawning over us, and every other dull table in the restauarnt was jealous of our fun.  Eat your heart out...or else I'll eat it.

 

 

I had a Duck Two-ways appetizer -- one way was duck confit (cooked in its own fat).  So ducking good!  There was so much duck meat that I was full, and I had a tremendous steak on the way.  Seared tuna was wonderfully popular too.

New Yawk strip steak, a Canada special.

My tremendous entree:  Le Cellier Mushroom Filet Mignon on a bed of baby bella wild mushroom risotto, truffle-herb butter sauce topped with fried onion slivers.  YUMMAZING!!! 

 

It was Keith's birthday (no it wasn't), so our waiters came out aflaming with dessert and candles.  bubbyMichael's cherry-dessert...he's all about the cherries.

 

Sorbet 2 ways, and a S'mores tower. 

Lavish dinner #3: 
MAMA MELROSE'S RISTORANTE ITALIANO  (MGM Studios)

 

Right across from the Muppets theatre at MGM was our next dining destination...Mama Melrose's for hearty Italian.

 

From the outside the place looks like a funhouse of frozen food and microwave meals.

 

But inside, it was all serious old world Brooklyn/Little Italy-style mafioso food business.  You know a restaurant serves up confidence when the kitchen is exposed and bustling like this.

 

You can't go wrong with Fresh Mozz, Tomato, Basil and drizzles of EVOO and balsamic.  The Arugula salad was simple and splendid, with cheesy crostini toasts.

 

My fried calamari with roasted peppers was just delightful.  This Breads & Spreads appetizer was insane goodness.  Spreads included olive tapenade, basil pesto & sundried tomato, and a whole garlic clove, roasted till spreadable and sweet. 

 

bubbyMichael's Rigatoni with sausage with a ricotta dollop. P.diddy's Steak with fried polenta cake. 

 

My seared salmon topped with sundried tomato on a bed of grilled zucchini.  This was the best salmon!!  A panna cotta dessert and cappuccino.

 

My ricotta hazelnut cheesecake with a strawberry gel swirl.  Tiramisu.  This entire meal was perfection!  It was my favorite meal of the whole trip.

Lavish dinner #4:
LES CHEFS de FRANCE (Epcot)

Finally, the fags feasted in France.

 

The interior felt like Tavern on the Green (with all the windows) meets Balthazar.

 

We started with the signature flatbread appetizers.  Don't call them pizzas...the pissy french will slap you.  They're flatbreads -- tomato and goat cheese; caramelized onions & bacon.

Wild mushroom & four-cheese.  I moaned so loud when I took a first bite of this. 

 

Filet mignon with scalloped potatoes.  Pork chop with mushrooms.  The brussels sprouts were delicious. 

I had salmon.  I know...again.  Well, when it looks like this, wouldn't you?!  Seared salmon topped with a skewer of jumbo shrimp, on a bed of smashed potatoes surrounded by a moat of herbed olive oil.  By the time I was done with this dish, the olive oil moat was gone.

 

An apple-cinnamon crepe.  Fruit soup with sorbet.

 

Chocolate-banana-coconut tart; Profiteroles (cream puffs filled with ice cream)

 

SO...that's how you eat Disney! 

jasonbasin does...
* The Wonderful World of Disney * (Part 1: All the Parks)

Ah, DisneyWorld in the summertime.  Is there anything more wholesome american family goodness?  But it wasn't just me and hubby.  We went with 5 of our NJ gays....our extended "family" of Ben, Patrick, Keith, Joey & Bob.  Wholesome and american in every way but gay.

* MAGIC KINGDOM: GAY DAY *
Saturday, June 2 was the infamous Red Day at the Magic Kingdom.  (Red Day = special Disney-sanctioned day where all gays are encouraged to invade the park.  Everyone wears red to unsubtly identify each other, travel in colorful packs, and scare all the straight families away).  Our Disney vagaytion was a carefully orchestrated weeklong getaway for all of us.

On gay day we had a special breakfast reservation at the Crystal Palace that allowed us to enter the park before it opened at 9am.  It was a buffet breakfast with Pooh & friends!

Bennifer and I missed Pooh at our table (booh!), as we were at the omelette station waiting for our bacon-ham-mushroom-tomato-cheese omelettes. 

 

Tigger and Piglet (mmm...bacon) stopped by to say hello.  They were probably freaked out by the smell of gay in the room.  Tigger, please. 

The Crystal Palace at breakfast was a sea of red.  Gay...all gay.  I've never seen so much fruit salad at a buffet breakfast.  After brekky, we embarked on the rides.  Again, gaggles of red t-shirts were everywhere.  Here's the thing about groups of gays in a casual festive setting like this.  We judge each other ALL THE TIME, and based solely on looks.  There's just no being nice to a group of trolls.  We didn't set forth on Disney Gay Day expecting to be ice cold and judgmental of our brethren.  It just happened....because they were collectively unattractive, and it was bitchy fun.

All that nonsense aside, we were there for the rides.  We hit up Splash Mountain, where we all got wet.  Some got super soaked, thanks to P.diddy putting up his umbrella during the ride to save himself  (he got reprimanded for it on the loudspeaker...kaka).  Then came the nearly 75-degree drop!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

Only Bennifer would ride Dumbo with me.  The roundy-roundy Aladdin ride would later do me in, immediately following a grossly huge lunch.  Talk about being dumbo.

Pirates of the Caribbean ride, now with more Johnny Depp than ever.  And the soon-to-close-for-renovations Haunted Mansion. 

As Rihanna would say, you could stand under my umbrella-ella-ella-ella-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh...  Yea, we got some pesky rain thanks to tropical storm Barry passing thru central Florida.  The rest of the trip would feature excellenty hot weather around 90-degrees.

Despite the strong gay presence, the Magic Queendom was still full of children.  I was so fed up tripping all over them and listening to their whining everywhere...something drastic had to be done.

Everyone loves a parade, especially the characters who have to wear the 80-lb costumes in 90-degree heat for $9/hr...with enthusiasm!

bubbyMichael carried a pedometer with him.  We averaged 20,000 steps a day, about 10 miles of walking, standing in lines, gallivanting all across the parks, etc.  Disney done right is definitely hard on the feet.  We found every opportunity to sit a spell. 

(left)  Bitch & Dale

(right)  P.diddy enjoys his Dole pineapple ice cream float.

* EPCOT *

We must've hit Epcot every day.  Three of our five lavish Disney dinners went down at Epcot.  All the FOOD we ate will be its own entry following this one.

The hubbies clutch their frozen maragaritas .  The World Showcase at Epcot is a favorite for parents at the end of the long day -- the kids are tired and subdued and the adults get to drink and ignore them.  And us mean gays get to ignore the ignorant parents ignoring their ingrate kids.

China & Mexico.  Around the world in 80-minutes.  Epcot also features Canada, France, England, Germany, Norway, Italy, Japan, and Morocco.

These rustic country bears are a favorite of mine.  They're always super nice to me, and this one took my hand and pretended to eat it.  It's my irresistible vanilla hand lotion.  Looks like they caught some wild salmon.  Tsaylmon.

We waited for dinnertime outside the exclusive steakhouse at Canada, Le Cellier.  Again, all the hardcore food we ate will have to be a separate entry.  It's gonna be massive.  Clear out your colons.

Having decadent desserts at the patisserie in France is a favorite activity of ours.  This strawberry tart is the best I've ever had.  It put Ferrara's in Little Italy to shame.  Don't mess with the french.

Epcot's nightly fireworks extravangaza, ILLUMI'NATIONS, around the lake of the World Showcase.  Nobody does these things better than Disney.

 
 

* ANIMAL KINGDOM *

Animal Kingdom has become a premiere Disney attraction, thanks to the  gargantuan new roller coaster, Expedition Everest.  

The Tree of Life, the centerpiece of the Animal Kingdom.

Onto Everest!  Bennifer shows us exactly how to scream on this ride.  Keith thinks he's joking.

Expedition Everest was indescribably awesome!  The backwards motion in the dark destroyed bubbyMichael, so he sat out the second time we rode this.  

Then we rode the Dinosaur ride.  On the rides where they snap a photo of you and show it on screen for you to buy, I always just take a close-up of the screen and call it a day.

 

Then we Safari'd.  (I love this pic with my adorable hubbyMichael)

Some Disney employees.  These creatures don't get paid $9/hr though.

A baby rhino and some flaming-ho's.

Some more flaming-ho's.  yeesh.

Our group of fierce creatures:  Keith, Ben, Michael, Bob, Joey (xanga shy), Patrick, me.

* DISNEY MGM *

Over at Disney MGM Studios, it was so hot and humid, my hair was a ghastly afro, so my camera didn't make its usual rounds.  I did the two necessary rides -- Hollywood Tower of Terror and the Aerosmith Rockin' Roller Coaster.   

 

The Rockin Roller Coaster was such an awesome thrill!  I sat next to some girl, and right as the ride started she said "You're gonna wanna take off your glasses."  I was like, huh?  Right then I was upside down, looping roundy round so freakin fast, that I was screaming, laughing and WHOOOO'ing all at once.  What a thrill!

* BACK TO THE MAGIC KINGDOM *

On another day, we were granted access into the Magic Kingdom extra early for our special reservations for the 'Keys to The Kingdom' tour.  We were in the park just after 8am before all the shops and rides were open, so we hung out on Main Street for our tour to begin.  We did a tour that divulged all the secrets of the Disney empire and the park's top-secret operations.  We even got to go "backstage" and into the Disney employees tunnels beneath the whole park.  Again, indescribably good.   

Michael is caught applying SPF-70, Neutrogena's limited edition Vampire-strength protection.  Seeing how empty Main Street is before the park opened, I decided to do a little experiment.  Right at 9am, when the park officially opened, I wanted to capture blow-by-blow madness.

Left:  09:00:05

Right:  09:00:10

Left:  09:00:15

Right:  09:00:20

Not 30 even seconds after the gates opened, Main Street was packed.  The unattractive masses flood in.  The beauty and tranquility was ruined.  There were dad-mullets, mom-jeans, tubby children and fanny packs everywhere.  It was horrifying.

Funnel cake break.

The Electric Parade at night, the prelude to the fabulous...

"WISHES" FIREWORKS EXTRAVAGANZA!

 

 

And THAT'S the magic Disney!

coming soon.... jasonbasin does DISNEYWORLD!

Ok dears, I'm off on vacation again for the next week (hint: "The Happiest Place on Earth").  In the meantime, go finish reading about my last trip.  Yes, part 3 (like anyone  besides GinGinShots cares) is finally here.  Not just gorgeulicious pictures this time....there's video too!  I thought I'd give y'all a little MeTube to make up for the untimely irrelevance of this entry.  Enjoy!

KAUAI (3rd & final)
So back in November (I know...a tad tardy.  don't remind me), our island adventure was exquisite right up to the very last moments.  While others would be packing up for the airport and making their peace with the island, we were not quite done.  Just hours before boarding our plane back to hell...um, I mean home, I insisted we explore just one more special place that my guidebook urged us to see.  We went searching for the Queen's Bath, a few mere minutes from our hotel.  But proximity is one thing.  Hiking down a steep rugged, slippery, muddy, treacherous path is another. 

The beginning of the path to the Bath was this inviting stone staircase.  Reach the bottom of these steps, and the rain forest takes over.  We were descending muddy slopes, pulling ourselves up on branches and vines, climbing rocks and negotiating each next precarious step.  After 10 long minutes or so, the journey took us to the ocean cliffs.

Hubby expertly climbs rocks and traverses treacherous cliffs in open-toed footwear.  No wonder he's my sole-mate (kaka).  With ginormous muscular calves like those, there's no surer footing than his.  Those baby-cows can crush boulders and pillage a village.

As for me?  I do my rock climbing crouched and on all fours like Gollum.  Isn't this pose just preciousss??  This is actually my favorite pic of me that hubby took.  He did a supremo job as photog, even without my costant pestering of "honey, take my pic take my pic take my pic..."  He snapped all the right shots. 

To give you a sense of where on the island we are... still on the north Kauai coast, where steep verdant cliffs kiss the coastline. 

When we came across this small pool of water, I was convinced we had located the Queen's Bath.  Funny though...the guide book pic made it look more majestic and bathe-worthy.  Oh well...

 
I took a leg dip anyway.  After all...the queen must bathe.  My face looks so buttery and crispy golden...that's a tan!  Hubby's reddish tan....that's a burn! Poor hubbs.

METUBE.  Watch as I make my fairy little way down the rocks to the fake bath.  Yes, I am aware of my extremely skinny and freakishly long arms.  The better to reach out and slap you with, but not too hard or I'll snap in half.

My gay instinct told me that we still hadn't seen the Queen's Bath, so we continued on.  This looked more like it, but this murderous enclave is completely open to the ocean. The only queen that bathes here are dead queens.

Finally, we were gonna turn around when this long-haired man came along with his dalmation, and led us towards the real thing.  We followed him over a few more rock formations and voila!  Hubby surveys the scene, and is pleased.  Tis the Bath, my lady.

THIS is the QUEEN'S BATH, bitches!

This was a sight to behold....a crater of lava rocks, filled with ocean water that spills over during high tides.  MAJESTIC!  Truly majasonbasinistic.  I was quite pleased with the discovery.

Schools of small fishies and some bigger ones swam around without a care in the world.  It was like an aquarium...I was looking for lobsters.

Megan the dalmation was helping me look for lobsters.

Stupid me came in search of the mystical bathing pool without a change of clothes or swimwear.  I brought my man-purse, for fuck's sake!   What the hell was I thinking?!  At the very least I had to dip my feet in the pool.  It was nice, very nice.

Here's a video of the action:  Our tour guide takes a dive!

Thoroughly satisfied with our find, we had to head back.  We went back the way we came and encountered several of these cute little streams and falls.

CHICKENS

These fuckers a worth a mention.  The island is swarming with loose chickens.  Apparently after some hurricane in the 90's, all the farm poultry got loose and have been running amok ever since.  They are everywhere...side of the road, up at the canyon, in parking lots, at our resort.  Fucking roosters cock-a-doodle-doo'd us awake everyday at 4am!

WATERFALLS

Along our drive to the airport, we had time to go off road for a few waterfalls. This one is high up in the mountains and you simply drive up and gawk.  Our kind of falls.

There were people right at the top of the falls.  I was half-expecting to see someone jump in, but it didn't happen.  No one even had the courtesy to fall in. 

The Wailua River below, where we went on a river cruise a few days before.  It's like the Amazon... without the malaria and bush babies.

So pretty.  Perfect camera focus. 

WAILUA FALLS, the second falls we visited en route to airport.  These are the twin falls of Kauai, and the very last sight we'd see.  Another drive-by waterfalling.  This one had a storybook ending for us...

 
RAINBOW!  As we were standing there, the clouds parted and the sun came out to reveal this unmistakable rainbow.  Kauai has been really good to us.   was humbled.

La la la....

Let there be rainbow!  (and chicken)...


Time to say Mahalo. 

Let's go to the videotape one last time...

When the stewardess tells everyone to turn off all electronic devices, I ALWAYS take out my camera and video the take off.  There's something about the exact moment when a plane lifts off the ground that just mesmerizes me each time.  And then I look back at the land we just took off from and I watch and watch until I can see it no more.  That's my routine.

 

In the air between Kauai and the next island, Oahu.  By air, these farthest-apart islands are only 10-15 mins apart.


Passing by Oahu.  I see Waikiki!

Manhattan - everyday depression + weather to die for = HONOLULU

The vast greenage of Maui as we descended for our layover flight home.

This is what we flew home to the next day -- dreary, cold, cloudy, wet Bayonne, New Joisey.  Just steps from our house, this is the Bayonne Bridge (the bridge that was blown up in the beginning of the Tom Cruise "War of the Worlds") that connects Bayonne and Staten Island.  I shed a silent tear as we passed this, and I wondered why we lived here and not Kauai.  Kau-WHY?!